The Buckle

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She is only 2 1/2 but she is fiercely independent and smarter than it seems she should be for her age. And sassy….oh the sass. I am a little frightened at what the teenage years will be like, I am going to spend those years praying I can guarantee!

Recently she figured out how to buckle herself into her car seat. Helpful for certain and we celebrated her success. Then she figured out how to unbuckle the clasp….

Oh that buckle, that infuriating buckle.

She has decided that she no longer wants to wear the upper straps of her 5-point harness, and since she can undo her own buckle she takes great liberty in making herself quite comfortable in her seat.

And so it goes, every time we are in the van for any length of time, the buckle comes undone. And then the argument insues. “Karlena – put your straps on” “No!” “Karlena – it isn’t safe, please put your straps on” “Noooooo!” “KARLENA (insert mama’s impatient tone) PUT YOUR STRAPS ON!!!” “NOOOOOOO – followed by what I call “extreme spitting”.

Oh you haven’t lived through a good toddler tantrum until you have experienced extreme spitting!

Sigh…

Last night on the ride home she followed her exuberant spitting with screams and cries. Lots and lots of screams and cries. For over a full hour she carried on and there wasn’t anything that I could do about it.

I even stopped about 45 minutes in at a McDonalds, at 10pm at night, to buy some cookies in hopes of bribing her with chocolate.

She saw past my ploy and refused to take one….she is one strong willed girl.

I on the other hand am not. I ate her cookie and mine as she screamed on.

Finally at some point her body tired to the point that she couldn’t fight any longer and she fell fast asleep.

As I glanced back at her, mouth slightly open and peaceful, I couldn’t help but think about my own “fight”.

We wear our seat belts because they protect us. They can keep us safe from injury. This is super important when driving in SW MN, the “deer on the side of the road state”. We frequently travel through an area lovingly labeled “the kill zone” because of the large number of deer killed in that several mile stretch every year. So many that once they had piles of dead deer stacked on the side of the road for pickup.

But I digress….

There is a reason that we believe in the validity of the buckle, the strap….

I thought about my relationship with God. How walking with Him, following His path keeps me safe. He is my buckle, He is my strap.

But if I am honest there are times that the buckle and the strap feel too constricting. I think that I know best and just want “freedom”…so I undo the buckle and tuck the straps behind me.

Of course when trouble hits, and God is gently calling me back under His care, I choose to rage instead.

I too have mastered the tantrum of a child who hasn’t gotten their way. While it typically doesn’t include “extreme spitting”, the behavior itself usually isn’t much better. I blame, I scream and shake my fists. I swear and cry and ask God “why”?  And at some point my body is weak and I give up the fight.

I have been to this place enough times to know that my perspective is always different in hindsight. That in the thick of the fight I can’t see the benefit of the buckle. I can’t see how any good can possibly come from a difficult situation.

But as I reflect on the past 17 years, on all we have been through, how God has redeemed so many areas of my life. How he has taken the broken and the ugly and made so many things new. At times I shake my head in disbelief at how generous this God of mine is. How much He truly loves me.

Funny now how I have come to appreciate the buckle and the strap. Come to see how clothing myself in the Word of God is important and necessary.  That if I want to really know who He is and understand the full benefits of His plan for my life I have to invest in my relationship with Him.

And let’s be real, at times the investment is tough. It can feel constricting…and I want the buckle off. I make excuses of why I don’t have time.  But as I look back on my life and remember all God has done for us even when I wasn’t making Him a priority in my life, I am encouraged to seek Him completely and embrace the comfort that His buckle has to offer.

Yes it is a buckle that I am grateful to wear…it has brought a multitude of blessings and I am so grateful.

Where do you find yourself today friends? Are you fighting the security of His hand or relaxing in the peace He offers? My prayer is that you may seek to know Him and discover the peace that trusting only Him can bring.

Linking up with Fellowship Fridays and Imperfect Prose.

Getting Ready for Allume – Things My Roomies Need to Know!

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In just 10 short weeks I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and flying (all by myself) to Greenville, SC to attend a blogging conference called Allume. So what the heck is this all about anyways right?? Well in their words “Our goal at Allume is to minister to the woman, the blogger, the story teller. We want to love well, encourage, and spur women on to shine the Light that lives within them. We want to serve you in ways that cultivate the Light of Christ in you, help you expand your influence, use your influence well (in your home, your community, or around the world) and encourage you with stories of those who are living out that Light.”

So I am excitedly anticipating this trip and meeting some wonderful friends IRL for the first time and learning how to be a more effective light for Christ in this space here.

One of the women attending Laura, created a fun link up for us to share some things that our roommates should know about us before we go.  Since many of us are sharing rooms with people we haven’t ever met in real life before – I thought this would be fun…so here we go!

1) I am totally a morning person. Like up with my first alarm ready for the day, kind of girl. But will be very quiet for those of you who aren’t!

2) I have longer, curly and often times (in my opinion) unmanageable hair…so I like to shower early so I have enough time to let it dry etc.

3) I am NOT a coffee drinker. But I will drink hot chocolate and just hang with you as you drink yours! 🙂

4) I am already nervous about what I need to pack. Afraid to pack the wrong thing, or too little or too much. I worry about silly things and this is one of them.

5) I don’t have a “smart” phone. I may be the last blogger on the planet NOT to have one. I may have to change that before October! 😉

6) I get nervous speaking in front of people and making small talk. Once a conversation is started I can join in…but I always feel awkward starting a conversation.

7)  I am worried that I won’t remember people’s names, faces etc. I am considering printing pics off of FB for those of you I really want to connect with…but if I don’t recognize you please don’t take it personally…I am just bad at that kind of stuff!

8) This is the first time I have ever done something like this so I am intimated by just about everything. I am an introvert by nature and shy – but once I get to know you I will come out of my shell!

9) I decided to come an evening early so will be there on Wednesday and helping with “dressing” the rooms and decorating etc. I am super excited about this part!!

10) I really just want to be filled this weekend. I pray that I learn a lot, but also see a better direction that God has for me and this space and of course my hope is to develop the friendships that have started with so many of you! I anticipate that there will be little sleep, lots of laughs and maybe even some tears but I know it is going to be worth it!!

Are you coming to Allume? What is your biggest fear about the weekend?!

Five Minute Friday – Lonely

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Linking up with Lisa Jo again this week to participate in Five Minute Friday.

Today’s word is LONELY– ready, set go –

Yesterday I was going through the saved voice mails on my phone and suddenly her voice was there. It was during one of the last visits where I was able to see her alive.

“Have you landed at the airport yet?”……

We were both so excited for the visit, eager to spend even the weekend together sharing life. Because we knew we wouldn’t be given many more opportunities to do so.  So we shared a lifetime’s worth of love in a much shorter time.

It has been almost 3 years now.

And yet the lonely creeps in, especially when I hear that message again. A message I haven’t been able to erase because I don’t want to forget her. Forget how she sounded….a voice completely unique to her.

When you lose your best friend it is hard to “replace” that. I don’t know that I even want to fully replace it. But it is lonely when there isn’t “that person”, “that girlfriend” to share life with.

I may always live a bit of my life lonely for her. But I celebrate who she was, and hear her name every time I call out to my daughter…her life is such a big part of who I am, even today.  So I recognize that this lonely will be a part of me until we celebrate together at the feet of Jesus. And I thank God for the time we did have and that I was lucky enough to know her and love her.

Missing you friend….

Karlena 2

 

 

Quiet around these parts!

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I kind of feel like the tumbleweed is blowing across the pages of this blog lately! Thank you to those of you that continue to stick around even when I am only posting once or twice a month! I realize that this isn’t probably the right way to “grow” a blog…but I feel like this is a season that God has me in and my dreams in regards to this blog can be put on hold for awhile.

But I have been growing and challenged in new ways and wanted to share those with you a little…to explain my absence here! 🙂

First of all how is it that we are now less than 2 weeks away from the start of school? I am not sure where our summer went, but I am guessing the busyness we have had is in part, a bit of the reason I spend less time writing!

2 weeks ago we traveled to the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota for a wedding and a family vacation. This was a big deal as it was the first vacation that we planned for our family in 17 years! We have been on a few awesome vacations with my entire family, but the was the first we were able to afford on our own. It was glorious.  We got to have both of our parents join us in the fun during the week, rented a beautiful house at the top of a “mountain” and just enjoyed being unplugged (as there was no WiFi available!)

I have a post I will share with more details – but it will be later this month!!

This past spring I signed up to be an Accountability Captain for a group of  women as we walked through the book of John with the Hello Mornings group.  It was so good to HAVE to be accountable. Apparently I need that when it comes to reading the Bible because if I am not accountable I make up excuses. Not good!

We had wonderful women in our group and I learned so much! But I found that if I really wanted to read and understand the verses I needed to spend adequate time doing so. I often would read 3 different translations (ESV, The Voice and The Message). Doing this gave me a better overall picture of what I was reading. It also took longer (not complaining) but I used to blog in the mornings before anyone else was up and this study took presidence over that!

As a result I was given the opportunity to be an ACE (Accountability Captain Encourager) for the upcoming fall session where we will be studying Ephesians!! I was so honored to ask and now will be praying for and helping 12 other AC’s who are leading their own groups. So again the blog takes a bit of a backseat. And that is ok.

I am finding though that if I want to be effective here, in sharing not only my story – but the love of God….I need to KNOW Him. And the only way to know Him is to spend time with Him, learning about Him.  Hello Mornings has given me the push and the tools that I needed to do this.

I believe that eventually (at least I am really hopeful!!), as time permits, when I do share here it is done so in Truth and knowledge that only comes from spending time with God.

So there you have it. A bit of a run down on the past few months and a prayer for the upcoming as well. I do miss the community of beautiful women that stop by here though so know I am praying for you as well!

 

Five Minute Friday – Story

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Linking up with Lisa Jo again this week to participate in Five Minute Friday.

Today’s word is STORY– ready, set go –

For many years I lived angry about how the story of my life was playing out.

Bitter about the trials and disappointments, only seeing what was unfair and constantly comparing myself to every one else’s joy…my life felt like a defeat.

I wanted a story that was “normal”.

I would cry out to God to change my life, make it easy, make it better and I couldn’t see, I wouldn’t see that each trial was making me stronger. Causing me to rely on God and building a foundation of faith.

I wanted the easy route and I didn’t get it.

Today I stand with a different view. I can see how God was shaping my story. Molding me so that my story is less about me and more about Him.  It isn’t the way that I wanted initially, this refinement process isn’t one that I would have chosen. But I can finally see the beauty that has emerged.

And I am grateful.

I don’t know that I do “normal” well, and I am not sure that I even know what that is!

And that is ok. Each of us walks a different path, God has a story planned out for all of us. Some get to walk the easy a little longer than most. Some trudge through the difficult on a daily basis.

But I have become convinced that each path is a walk that can bring us closer to God and when we seek Him, lean into Him during the journey we will see a story emerge that is one of beauty and blessing because of Him.

And that my friends is a story that needs to be told!

Five Minute Friday – Belong

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Linking up with Lisa Jo again this week to participate in Five Minute Friday.

Today’s word is BELONG– ready, set go –

Growing up I had friends but I never felt like I really belonged. I always felt a little like I was on the outside looking into the party that was happening,…so close to being invited inside, but not quite.

This feeling has followed me into adulthood.  I think I can be my own worst enemy and I will tell myself the lies that I don’t fit in and I won’t ever belong….so I stop trying to be involved in the very community that I crave.

But God has gently pushed me outside of my comfort zone, called me to community with other women who have made me feel that I DO belong. These God-Sized dreamers have encouraged me, walked along side of me, prayed for my family and cheered me on in my little triumphs.

I am seeing over and over again that God created us for this – community with other believers.  And I am so grateful. Grateful that God brought this group of women together. Grateful for the opportunities that have come from saying “yes” to something that seemed scary at first. Because of you beautiful women I finally feel like I belong, and it is a party!

Embracing the Chaos

So how lucky am I that for 2 days in a row I have some beautiful ladies posting here?!?! Mel is my new BFF (she may not know it yet!) 😉 And we are going to be newbie roomies at Allume and we are both super excited about that!! Anyways Mel has some amazing stories to share because she lived for a time in Indonesia…so I asked if she would share a story with us today and you are in for a treat!!

My husband and I spent five years (2005-2010) living and teaching in Indonesia.

From different foods and climate to a completely new mindset regarding normal, life there was definitely a shift from what we had grown accustomed to in the U.S.

As far as acclimating, I think we did ok…we liked most of the food. (Most, not all.) 🙂

I was all about warm weather and no snow and the chance to have a tan year-round.

And, really, living in the tropics with real palm trees? Something I’d always wanted to do.

Yep, you can tell I’m a total Midwest girl, just from those details.

But the one thing that continually threw me for a loop was the traffic.

I can’t describe it to you.

I can show you pictures…

Like this.

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Or this.

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Or even this.

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But to give you an accurate account of the crazy it was, I’d need to drop you into the middle of the chaos.

I had said, almost from the first day we moved there, that I would learn to drive a motorbike in the city.

In the chaos.

I was determined and adamant to conquer it all.

I wanted independence and the chance to explore. (And I mostly wanted the freedom to go get coffee when I wanted it. Sort of an addict here. ;))

So it was no surprise to anyone that within a month or so of being there, we purchased our first motorbike. (It was orange, and this isn’t necessary information…I just think it’s awesome that we had an orange bike.) 🙂

My husband…well, he’s the guy. He drove it, and he drove it without crashing into carts and people and cars and buses and vans . (And even horses, but only on Sundays.)

I Drove it right into a bush within the first week of having it. 🙂

After that little incident, I was content for the next year or so with riding on the back with my hubby at the handlebars and letting him conquer the crazy.

But, eventually, I knew I’d need to find the courage to embrace the chaos and just drive.

We went out one random day after school and bought me a bike.

It was cute, it was pink, and most importantly, it was automatic. (read: easy to drive)

I’d had this theory that if we spent money, I’d be more determined to follow through with actually driving in the city.

For the first week, I focused on driving around our neighborhood and area, avoiding the major roads (and also avoiding those silly bushes that liked to jump out in front of me).

But after about a week, my husband decided it was time.

Yep…time.

Time to get out in the middle of it all and Just. Drive.

I was so nervous that my hands were shaking, even as I strapped on my helmet. I took off with my hubby following on his bike. As I cautiously weaved my way in and out of the what-seemed-like-millions around me, I realized something in between the whispering, I can do this through Him. He gives me strength, about a hundred times.

There was chaos around me…lots of it, and that part didn’t surprise me.

But being in the middle of it, I only had to worry about what I could see, about what was close to me. Focusing on all that was going on fifty meters in front of me would only remove my focus from where it needed to be.

I had to pay attention to what was right in front of me.

I finished that drive, one that took me to a major shopping area (with a Starbucks…hallelujah!) and back home again with no major incidents.

It really wasn’t that bad…in fact, I might even use the word enjoyable to describe it.

And that drive gave me the confidence to keep driving all over town.

There were definitely a few incidents over the years with me behind the handlebars of that little pink-mobile…mostly bumping mirrors on cars or cutting it a little too close with other drivers, but learning to drive in Bandung ended up being such a good thing.

Oh, and there were multitudes of lessons…on patience and patience and more patience, on bravery, on trust…and on dealing with chaos.

Too often in life, I let myself become weighed down with all that swirls around me. I look at the big picture and throw up my hands in the air…How can I possibly deal with all of this?

The truth is that sometimes we have to embrace the chaos of life and just keep going, dealing with what we can see, what’s within reach, and forgetting about the rest of it.

And even in the middle of chaos, I often find that it’s never as bad as I think it’s going to be.

Plus, as I learned during that first bike drive several years ago, I can do all things through Him because He does give me strength.

Mel

Mel is a Follower of her Father. Wife to Tobin. Mommy to Mae. Friend. Writer. Dreamer. Throw in some coffee, chocolate, running, music, and that’s describes her. Blogging at A Barefoot Life , Mel shares her heart for her family and finds beauty in the little things.

Make Me Fearless, Lord! – Guest Post

Friends you are in for a treat. A fellow God-Sized Dreamer and beautiful new friend Alecia, has so graciously offered to post for me today. I have been overwhelmingly busy recently and writing has taken a back seat – but I wanted to keep filling this space with encouragement and Alecia does just that. I know you will be blessed by her post!!

I am starting to see a trend. When I ask God to grant me something, he makes me work for it. Like when I was new parent and desperately wanted/needed patience with my strong willed daughter, he didn’t make her any less strong willed. On the contrary, he seemed to up the ante in the form of asthma attacks night upon sleepless night. My girl was not only strong willed and feisty, but she was now tired and sick…yay!

Can you picture it? Sleepy momma on a verge of a nervous breakdown because she didn’t have any sleep, literally holding her toddler in a vice grip with one hand and the other opening her little girls mouth while simultaneously shoving a dropper full of medicine down her little red throat because her daughter vehemently hates taking medicine of any kind.

You can’t tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor! And you can’t tell me he doesn’t answer prayers. Those moments that I thought were going to break me (and trust me there were many) were the moments that made me stronger and made me realize that I really was growing into a more patient version of myself even if it didn’t feel like it at the time.

I was hoping he would just blast down doses of patience as I needed it, but that never seems to happen. It didn’t stop me from begging for it though.

Now here I am again asking God for something else, to make me fearless.

I was hoping that a few fearless steps of saying yes to things would cure this, but for some reason for me, it can’t be that easy. I’ve found myself in the middle of a faith crisis here. Fearless is causing me lots of trouble. I’m talking chest hurting, let me just stay in bed, I give up type of trouble.

I feel overwhelmed and overpowered and I’m not sure what God is doing and why it has to be this way.

I’m anxious and finding it hard to be still.

But maybe that’s the point. I want to rush ahead and get things over with and he’s pulling back the reigns and saying “Hold on there; let’s make this a lesson you won’t soon forget. Let’s take our time and dig deep, get to the root of what is causing this fear in the first place.”

So, I’m slowing down, and being intentional about being still and taking it one day at a time. I’m choosing to trust him over my fears, and whatever my feelings are saying. Fearless verses are popping up everywhere, a women’s retreat at my new church is even having a fearless women’s conference. Coincidence? I think not.

God is here! He doesn’t want to just zap me with courage and that be the end of it. He wants to walk me through this! He is El Roi, the God that sees me. He knows me, He loves me, and He wants to walk me through this valley.

If I allow God to teach me, I feel like I will for once have power over the fear that is holding me back.

Friends, I’m not sure what is holding you back today, but I want to encourage you to take hold and not let go. If you need to wrestle it out then do it. God can take it. His ways may not be ours but the end result will be so much better than we could have ever hoped or imagined.

I’m happy to report that my little girl who once hated medicine is now 12 years old and takes it without any arm wrestling involved. We may have different battles now, but I’m learning that those things in our life that we think we can’t handle are there to teach us that we can. With God we really can do ALL things!

I may still be dealing with fear, but I’m not where I was when I started. I’ve grown more confident in who I am and whose I am. And that’s a great first step.

“Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful” John 14:27

Alecia blogs over at There’s Something Different at www.aleciasimersky.com. She is a Southerner by birth (and grace) and gypsy by marriage (she’s moved 7 times in the last 12 years).  She writes to encourage Christians to live differently because she knows that once you’ve been changed by Christ
you are different.  She claims “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” Phil 4:13, daily. You can connect with her here Twitter and Facebook

A Heart Like Hannah’s

I recently read the story of Hannah in the Bible. 1 Samuel 1:1-28.

It really is a beautiful story and I have been thinking about what it would be like to have a heart like Hannah’s.

In 1 Samuel we read about Elkanah who has 2 wives. One, Peninnah, “who had given him sons and daughters” and Hannah who was childless.

Can you imagine Hannah’s hurt? It would be difficult enough “sharing” a husband, but then being unable to get pregnant while the other wife seems to be an endless supplier of children.

I have shared before that we had struggles with infertility and there were times that we were trying month after month with no “result”. I had some women in my life at that time that got pregnant either by accident or literally on their “first try”.  It was something I shouldn’t have taken personally, but honestly at the time I felt like they got pregnant “at” me. (I never said I didn’t have issues!) 🙂

So I can empathize with how Hannah must have felt here and understand that her feelings were probably magnified even more seeing the success that wife #2 was having.

Elkanah was a faithful man and every year he would go and offer sacrifices at Shiloh. And he loved Hannah offering her a double portion of the sacrificial meat over his other wife. (May I just say that I love that about this man….how he loves Hannah so much,even in spite of her inability to bear him a child)

Maybe Peninnah is jealous about this….we don’t really know, but what we do know is that she tormented Hannah. Verse 6 says “Peninnah used to infuriate Hannah until Hannah trembled with irritation because the Eternal had not given Hannah children.”

Talk about adding salt to the wound. Hannah doesn’t need anyone to point out the obvious here and yet Peninnah pushes that button, year after year. So much so that Hannah won’t eat.

One day Hannah goes and “presented herself before the Lord”. In Verse 11 we hear Hannah’s prayer. “Eternal One, Commander of heavenly armies, if only You will look down at the misery of Your servant and remember me—oh, don’t forget me!—and give Your servant a son, then I promise I will devote the boy to Your service as a Nazirite all the days of his life. [He will never touch wine or other strong drink,][a] and no razor will ever cut his hair.”

Haven’t we all been there? Desperate and crying out to God, maybe even making promises in return for what we are asking??

The priest Eli hears Hannah and thinks she is drunk because he sees her lips moving but doesn’t hear anything. (Does this strike you just the tiniest bit funny too??) and he goes to her and tells her to basically stop making a fool of herself!

But Hannah has such a humble response…. Verse 15: “My lord, I am not drunk on wine or any strong drink; I am just a woman with a wounded spirit. I have been pouring out the pain in my soul before the Eternal One. 16 Please don’t consider your servant some worthless woman just because I have been speaking for so long out of worry and exasperation.”

A woman with a wounded spirit, pouring out her soul and pain to the Eternal One.

Have you ever found yourself here friend? I have.

Eli tells her to stop worrying and may God fulfill her request and Hannah’s spirits are lifted.

Here’s where the story gets even better!!

Verse 19: “The next morning, they rose early to worship the Eternal One. Then they went back to their home at Ramah, and Elkanah slept with Hannah his wife. The Eternal remembered her petition; and in the new year, Hannah became pregnant. When her son was born, she named him Samuel, which means “His name is El (God),” because she said, I asked the Eternal One for him.”

God heard her request and she is pregnant. I can imagine the joy in her heart!! So my first thought when I had gotten this far in the story was did she follow through with her promise?

The year goes by and it is time to go again to Shiloh to offer sacrifices but Hannah stays behind with Samuel. She tells her husband “When the child can eat solid food, I will bring him so that he can appear in the presence of the Eternal One and remain there continually.”

Did you catch that? Remain there continually!! Here is a woman tormented because she was unable to bear children and for years remained barren. God answers her prayers and she is faithful…but her faith will cost her something won’t it?

Can you imagine giving up your finally, firstborn son to a priest to be raised in the presence of God? An honor yes…but her mother’s heart must have hurt a little having to let him go.

And it says that once Samuel was weaned she brought him to the priest Eli and says “My lord, I swear I am the woman who was praying to the Eternal One in front of you. 27 It was this child I prayed for, and the Eternal has indeed granted me the petition I made.28 So, as I vowed, I will lend him back to the Eternal. For as long as he lives, let him serve our Eternal One. And she left Samuel there with Eli to serve the Eternal One.”

And she left Samuel there….

I am just amazed at Hannah’s faith and her choice to honor God, because He honored her request. Even if it hurt her to let her son go…she made the choice to “give back” the gift that was God’s in the first place.

Oh how I want to have a heart like Hannah’s. To have faith in spite of many difficult seasons. To believe that God can and will honor a faithful request and then to continue to honor Him by letting go of what is most important for a bigger purpose.

Without getting into all of it, here is a foreshadowing of Samuel’s future….1 Samuel 4:1 “And all of Israel was influenced by Samuel’s words.” Oh and Hannah?? God continued to be faithful to her as well and she gave birth to 3 sons and 2 daughters!

Imagine how things might have been different for Hannah, for the nation of Israel had Hannah not been faithful? These passages are encouragement to me to stay the course and to faithfully follow what God is asking of me….even if it is hard, because there may be a greater purpose or plan that isn’t revealed to me yet.

I don’t know what “season” you find yourself in tonight – but my prayer is that you too will seek to have Hannah’s servant heart, to continue to bring your requests to God and to be willing to stay the course. I am praying this for each of you!!