I am a morning person. My husband is not. So I typically get up a few hours earlier than he does each day. I spend some time praying or doing a short Bible study and then I will take a shower and get ready for the day.

During the school year my other kids are up early as well. They have some specific “jobs” to do each morning, like showering, eating breakfast, brushing teeth etc…we have developed a pretty good routine.

But as is in any family, life isn’t always perfect.

The kids are tired, or we are out of frozen waffles and someone didn’t get one, the dog is barking or they can’t find their shoes. Right before we all head out the door things can get a little frenzied and tense.

It doesn’t take much to make me snap.

I shared a little a few months ago about my struggle with anger. How it wells up inside of me and then if I am not on guard, it spews out on those closest to me. I don’t want to be the kind of mama that my kids are afraid of. I want to be a safe harbor, not a raging sea.

Things have gotten better. I have asked a few friends if I can be accountable to them. One dear friend has asked several times how I am doing specifically with anger. And it hasn’t been terrible. Sure I get mad at times, but my reactions haven’t been as severe.

But these changes do not come easily. I have to be ready.

Ready for what you might ask? For battle.

I believe that there is an enemy that seeks to destroy my family. One that thrives in the struggle, that encourages explosions of emotion and unforgiveness.

And a few months ago I declared myself ready for the battle.

I am doing some things like walking away when I feel my anger building, trying to speak in a calmer tone, and being quick to apologize when I have blown it.

And I pray. I constantly pray that God will continue to refine me. That He will stand in the gap for me. I have proclaimed I am ready, but I have also had to admit my desperate need for God to lead me through the storm.

In seeking Him during these moments that are my most embarrassing and ugly, I am finding freedom. It wasn’t a one day release and I believe that the enemy will continue to throw darts our way…but I am standing ready, with God at my side and I am believing that the chains are falling as we speak.

When I think of the color purple I immediately think of Lydia.

In Acts 16 we hear about her. Paul and Silas were traveling through Macedonia and come to a river to pray and meet some women and one of those women was Lydia.

The Bible describes her as “a dealer in purple cloth” (v.14) who was a worshiper of God. She listened to the preachings of Paul and Silas and was baptized, along with her household. (v.15)

And then I love these words…”If you have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come to my house and stay.”

A woman who is hard working, a business woman who dyes and sells her purple garments. A woman hungry for the Lord with a heart of hospitality.

What an encouragement Lydia was to me as I studied these verses again.

Sometimes I feel guilty as a full-time working mother. I love my family but I also love the business I get to work at with Dominic. We work hard and we love God and our family.

I don’t know why I think I can’t do both well.

Lydia is a woman that was doing both well. She was a successful business woman and had a heart for the Lord and for hospitality.

She served her family and was an example to her entire household. Because of her faith her entire household was also baptized! Isn’t that amazing?!

We have that same potential.

We can work hard at whatever “job” God has called us to, in the home or out. And we can serve God and others and be an example of faith to our families.

Every time I see the color purple I am going to be reminded of this story that I saw with fresh eyes today. A reminder that we can work and serve and seek God with all of our life and make an impact on others.

Karlena has this teddy bear that was a gift when she was a baby. It is worn and ragged and missing some of its fur. There is a hole that needs to be fixed in one of its legs and it is no longer pink but more of a dirty grey/pink.

It isn’t pretty to look at and a good washing is no longer helping to restore its appearance. But when Karlena holds that bear, and she looks at it, all she sees is love.

Her teddy has been with her for almost 5 years. When we can’t find it there is a crisis. She talks to teddy and puts teddy down for naps, she has loved the life out of that bear.

Dominic has threatened to throw it away, it really is kind of gross…but I won’t let him. I know that some day she won’t need to have it with her like she does now. But for now it is her companion.

I picked teddy up the other day and really looked at it. And the thought crossed my mind, that bear isn’t much different than I am.

Often I am worn and ragged, dirty from my sin and faults. I have scars and imperfections and my outside doesn’t look as beautiful as it once did.

But yet when my Father looks at me all He sees is love.

It is hard to wrap my mind around this idea of God’s unconditional love for me. I have said it before here, the thought that God knew the person that I would be..all my failures, my bad choices and complete disobedience to His calling…and inspite of all of that He saw love.

So much love that He wanted to provide a way for me to be with Him in eternity. So much love that He sent His only Son to die for my sins.

Even if I had been the only one worth dying for….

Can you even fathom that kind of love?

I am not always grateful for that sacrifice. But seeing that teddy and knowing how much Karlena loves it…and realizing that God’s love for me, for you, is even greater….

Well sometimes we just need to sit and revel in that a moment don’t we?

Friends, we all have scars and broken pieces. We all make mistakes and if you are like me you feel like you don’t deserve that kind of lavish love. And you know what, we don’t. How incredible is it that we get to be the recipient of it anyways!

My prayer for you as you seek God would be that you would be flooded with His love for you, that you would know deep in your soul that you are His treasure. Find rest and comfort in that today!

“I just can’t do it” I told him.

I was frustrated and angry with myself, mostly because I was filled with fear and my words and actions revealed the depth of that fear.

When my husband started his own business he faced fear too but with great faith he stepped forward anyways. After a year of working by himself, handling all of the calls, scheduling, paperwork…he was a bit overwhelmed.

We started talking about possible solutions and he asked if I would consider working with him. I had been working at a financial advisor’s office for a little less than a year and the guilt at leaving was just one issue I had.

“I just don’t know if it is possible. What if we can’t work together, what if we can’t generate enough business to cover the guaranteed salary that I will be giving up?!”

Fear. Plain and simple fear of the unknown kept me stuck. I didn’t believe in all that was possible if I just trusted God’s leading on this.

So I did what I often do in these situations and I attempted to manage it all myself. I asked my employer if I could work part time so that I could help Dominic out “just to get him caught up.”

They agreed and I started my split schedule. Because guilt has often been a motivator for me I worked really hard at both jobs. I didn’t want anyone to have to do more because I was doing less. I was stressed out upon waking each morning.

“I can’t do this Lord!”

This went on for a few months, it is a wonder that I lasted that long really. A stomach ulcer that made itself known on a short vacation was the tipping point. Something had to change.

“I am finally ready to trust you with this Lord.”

I went in and quit my job and started working full time with my husband. I wasn’t convinced that we would manage…I still didn’t believe it would be possible to make up my lost wages.

But even in my doubt (and after all that holding on to the reins myself) we moved forward and can I just tell you that God has taken my “I don’t think it is possible”  fears and blown them out of the water.

We have been working together successfully for a few years now. It is a gift really. No it isn’t always easy, but we are learning through the growing pains. Some days we are frustrated and overwhelmed, just like we would be with any job. But I get to walk this road WITH my husband, each day.

When we seek God He will make the impossible, possible. I have seen it in my own life time and time again.

Yes it may be uncertain, and scary but when we trust God with those doubts and fears He will use them to grow our faith and give Him the glory. Our business is successful today because of all God has done. Yes we show up and do the work each day…but He makes it possible.

What impossible roadblock are you facing today? Can you open your hands and trust God with it? I can’t wait to see all that He will do!

So often the pressures of this life, the need I feel to measure up and fit in, perform at top capacity, be a wonderful wife and mother…all of it becomes overwhelming.

Do you ever find yourself there? Frustrated, exhausted, and just plain done?

I know that I can’t do it all and yet I work myself ragged trying to do it anyway. I don’t like to ask for help and don’t want to admit that I don’t have it all together. I put on the nice clothes and the plastered smile and I pretend that everything is fine and the reality is, I am dying inside.

I set my standards to what I see in the world. I have made this place my home and I am laboring to fit in an environment that I really don’t “belong” to. No wonder it is so difficult!

Every once and awhile I pause though, I seek rest and comfort in the presence of my God. I open up my hands as an offering of myself. Admitting that I am struggling and I need help.

Guide me Lord.

I want my life to be a reflection of His grace. That abundant love that He has poured out on me, I want to be that towards those I come in contact with. I want my home to be a place of safety and refuge. A home where the striving for perfection is left at the door, and one where we are daily recognizing who we are IN Christ, BECAUSE of Christ.

I want to be His. Forever His.

I need to remember that this place is not my home, we are sojourners here. With one job really, how can I make the biggest impact for Christ during my time here?

So my focus starts to change as I seek Him. I am learning how to be brave as the unique woman He has created me to be. How to be a light in my home and my community.

Fully His, all for His glory.

And some day I will leave this earthly body and meet my Father in person and my prayer would be that I would be warmly greeted…”Welcome Home, Good and Faithful Servant.”

For many years “change” was a swear word in my mind. I didn’t like it, didn’t accept it or walk through it well. It was more of a kicking and screaming type of scenario if we are being honest.

Change meant having to learn something new, I wasn’t at the top of my game any longer. It meant being uncomfortable or stretched. And while I can always see the benefits of a growing period after the fact, while I am in the thick of it I am pretty miserable.

But change is inevitable. Do you have a hard time embracing it like I do?!

I have 4 kids, one in college, another in middle school, kindergarten and preschool. There is a lot of change in our home ALL.THE.TIME. I work with my husband every day. When we started working together there was some change that had to happen, most specifically in my attitude.

It was painful, mostly for Dominic, because I was fighting it the entire time.

But recently I have come to embrace the changes that are happening, and continue to happen in our lives.

Sending our oldest off to college was a big deal for this “feeling” mama. I worried about all of the things he might be faced with, wondered if he could handle his tough course load and being away from our family…it was enough to suffocate me.

And then the morning after we moved him into his dorm, God gave me a picture of him. I can’t explain it really but to say that I saw him in his cap and gown. I knew he was graduating…he had done it. And at that moment I knew he would be ok.

Sure he will face difficult times, there will be change and challenges and probably a few mistakes along the way…but it is a natural part of the growing process.

He too will learn from these changes if he embraces them, presses into them. I am confident that he will succeed. And I am excited to be a part of that journey, cheering him on.

When I am seeking God, searching for His guidance during these times of change and uncertainty, I can move forward and embrace all that is to come.

Can I be honest with you? I struggle with the idea of a calling at times. Not only do I wonder IF I have been called to anything specific, what if I am not prepared, what if I can’t handle it or don’t want to handle it?!

And even worse, what if I haven’t heard my calling…maybe I missed it and am on a wrong path all together?!

We can spend a lot of time spinning our wheels in the drudgery of “what ifs” can’t we?!

And then I read the verses from 2 Timothy 1:8-9 “So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved is and called us to a holy life – not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.” (NIV)

God has called us to a holy life.

I don’t need to get caught up in all of the other things I think I should be doing. Worried that I am not measuring up.

Because of grace, not because of anything I have done, God has called me. He has saved me.

Shouldn’t that always be our starting point?

When we are trying to determine what it is that God wants us to do, start first here. He has called us to a holy life.

Am I starting my day in prayerful consideration of what I might do FOR God instead of what He is doing for me?

Honestly, most days no.

But these verses are a reminder to me where I can start…where I should start.

I have been called as one of His children. If I am seeking His face each day, bringing my joys and my pains to Him…seeking ways to be a testimony of His grace to others in everything that I do…well as we say around here “everybody wins”!

Rest in the knowledge dear friend that you too have been called by a Father who loves you beyond measure.

Last year I participated in the 31 days writing series in October and wrote on Finding God. I was excited that I finished the month with writing every day but honestly I didn’t think that I would do it again.

You see I have had very few words to share here lately.

I write when I am inspired..when I feel God has given me something to share. If I try and force it, well it just isn’t good. I know some authors are able to perfect their craft by just writing every day even if they aren’t inspired…I just can’t do that.

Then I took a few days to get away with a dear friend and inspiration hit. It was like my mind knew I was leaving and on the first plane ride I had a theme and using the writing prompts from the wonderful writers of the Five Minute Friday (FMF) group…I set to work.

In that weekend away I wrote 26 of the 31 posts! Crazy right?! Go God is all I can say. So next month I am excited to be sharing some stories about how I am seeking and seeing God. He has been a part of my life, even when I didn’t “feel” it. Looking back I can see how His hand has been in every moment.

But how quickly I forget. Call it pride or stubbornness, the whispers of the enemy telling me I am not worthy of God’s love. It has happened time and time again that I forget all God has done with me and through me. But He is faithful even when I doubt. In seeking Him each day I have been reminded of that truth.

It is my prayer that by sharing these stories you too will be encouraged to seek God. Look for Him, chase after Him, know Him in a new and real way. They aren’t terribly long posts, little stories  written around the daily FMF word prompt and enveloping the theme of how I am seeking God.

I hope you stick with me next month and I would love to hear how you too are seeking and seeing God’s hand in your life!