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A Fresh Start

The last time I sat down to write on the pages of this blog was almost a year ago. There were many times throughout 2018 that I wanted to come here, to share my heart…but the reality was I often found myself unable to adequately express exactly what I was going through.

Some of the stories are not mine to share. I think there may be a time that God will use those stories for His purposes, and maybe I will have a part in sharing them. But for now I can just say that going through this past year was painful in many ways. I leave the year changed. I spent more time in desperate prayer than ever before. I saw God answer prayers in ways I hadn’t expected and felt that He was stretching me in ways that made me very uncomfortable.

I am grateful for my family, especially my husband who was that strong tower that I needed multiple times. I am also thankful for two of my best friends who with the wonders of Voxer encouraged me and prayed for me daily. Each of us had our own unique struggles this past year and their voices cheering me on every day were a lifeline for me.

But I walked away from 2018 with some “baggage.” And I started to feel very convicted that the causes and conditions related to that baggage needed to be addressed. You see I am a pretty emotional person. I shared this on FB recently “I am a “feelings” person. I feel big and love big but it also means I get angry big and resent big and get sad big. There is always a good with the bad it seems.”

When I am not addressing my feelings in a healthy way I start to make poor, emotional choices. I made a LOT of those choices this year and mostly in the way of my spending. It is hard for me to admit that, but it is true.

A little backstory for you…when Dominic and I got married we were broke. Just all the time broke. We lived paycheck to paycheck and our parents always had to help us and we just never seemed to get it together. Early on I racked up some credit card debt, mostly due to necessity items like food and diapers we needed, but I only ever made the minimum payments on those cards. (I know OUCH!) I cringe now realizing how much in interest we must have paid over the years.

Tax return time would come and instead of saving the money, that was the one time we could buy something big…and often we did. We spent years making very poor financial decisions. I even worked for a bank during some of those years and it wasn’t until I was there a few years that we started to see the value in contributing to a 401k and paying off debt each month. So many mistakes!

When we moved to MN we were in a better financial position than we ever had been. We were finally able to start giving to our church a little, being charitable was something I always wanted to do…but never seemed to be able to manage. We left SD with no debt except our house, cars and some student loans and had a plan to work at those.

Many of you know our story, what we thought God brought us to MN for ended in a way we had not expected and we faced the reality that we might lose everything. But Dominic trusted God’s calling/leading and started his own business…and now we do this thing together. God has blessed this business from day one and I am forever grateful. But sometimes I take that for granted.

I think I have gotten in a habit of justifying my actions. I love to be generous and now we can be and that brings me such JOY. But when I use that as a reason to justify spending on things for myself (or my kids) that we really don’t need….well that isn’t right. {Like we gave big to XYZ Charity…so now it is ok if I want to buy this sweater for myself right?!}

And that is where I have found myself this year.

I have always been the one that handles our checkbook. I balance the books at the office and manage all the bills etc. at home. A few weeks ago Dominic and I were talking and he made some comment about that he trusted me and how I managed things and that if I bought myself something from time to time it didn’t bother him.

But you see, his words of trust..they bothered me. I was super convicted and called my best friend to share that something had to change. She and I had done a 40 day fast a few years prior before Easter and “fasted” on spending on clothing for ourselves. I thought maybe I should do that again.

She came back with something even more challenging. “I think we need to fast from all discretionary spending for the first quarter of 2019.” UGH. And she told me that I needed to return something that I had purchased on impulse the day prior. She said if I was serious…it was the right first step.

I knew she was right and so the next day I made that return. I canceled a recurring monthly subscription I had that I didn’t really need. And I unsubscribed from about 30 emails from retailers that bombard my inbox each day with their best sales and offers. Too tempting for me!

Even though I could have spent prior to the New Year, I really didn’t. I was thoughtful about each purchase I made. Was this something we needed, or something we wanted? I told the kids no more Minecraft mod downloads, or movie purchases for a while. It has become too easy to say yes and not even think about it. It may only be a couple of dollars…but is it necessary? And will they ever learn to respect finances well if I am always saying yes?!

And then I had the hardest conversation of them all. I shared the challenge with Dominic. You see, not telling him about where I spend our money has become second nature. I don’t discuss purchases with him, or ask permission, and as a result I have given myself WAY too much leeway. I am not accountable to anyone and that has led to poor choices.

And even more truth for you….I really just wanted to get through the 3 months and not tell Dominic what I was doing and then proudly show him how great I did. But the reality was keeping it a secret would just make secrets later easier too.

So I am coming here and being way too honest, to remain accountable and to maybe encourage someone else who might be struggling in the same area. Buying new things isn’t bad. I love to treat my kids and I am always looking for great deals. Most of what I do purchase is with a fantastic deal. But they aren’t always necessary purchases.

My friend and I talked about how we both want to be able to be more generous in our giving, and to save for more experiences with our kids. Being thoughtful about our spending helps reset our view on what matters most and where we want to use our money. How can we best honor God with our finances?

I know this will be a challenge for me. But I believe that God is leading me down a path to learn more about Him in this process. My prayer is that He will continue to refine me so that my choices going forward will bring Him glory.

Filled With Peace

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People have asked how I am doing recently, and honestly I am pretty good. I shared how the first few days were pretty anxiety-filled but for the most part now I have a sense of peace about everything.

Not the peace that everything is going to turn out exactly as I hope, because I just don’t know that. This is a peace that regardless of what happens, God will be with me and I will be ok.

I am ready for my pre-op appointment. It is this Wednesday and Dominic will be coming with me. My wise friend Sherry told me to make sure that I gave him permission to ask whatever questions he may have. Especially if I am not asking them myself. She shared that when she went through a recent medical scare she just blanked when the doctor started talking about the surgery she was facing….she couldn’t think of anything to ask. So Dominic knows that I appreciate his voice in this and I am just grateful that he can be there.

We have been talking about this on and off for a few weeks now and Dominic has been praying about my surgery in the morning so our kids know something is going on. A few nights ago we were headed out to get pumpkins and broom corn from a farmer friend and Gabe started asking some questions.

So we told them that there was a cyst and it isn’t “normal” and it needs to come out. Gabe asked if it was cancer. I told him that I didn’t know for certain, but I was hopeful it wasn’t. But we couldn’t know anything for sure if I didn’t have it removed. Gabe said that he knew how he could be praying for me. What a gift it is to have my kids praying for me.

I assured them that I trusted my Doctor and that she saved my life once before, she would take care of me this time too. Elijah wasn’t sure that was true so he asked Dominic if it was. It was funny actually, once Dominic said yes it was true Elijah says “OK I believe you!” Oh he makes me laugh!

Yes there are some scary unknowns, I honestly am most worried about my recovery after the surgery. The last laparoscopic surgery I had should have been a 2 hour recovery time and then I would have gone home but I was there for HOURS. Poor Dominic was so hungry and I was so sick. I couldn’t keep anything down. The meds made me nauseous and the gas they pumped into my abdomen caused such terrible referred pain in my shoulder that I could hardly move.

So if you are the praying kind, prayers for a better recovery this round would be so appreciated.

Yesterday a couple of young men came by our home to talk to me about their faith and their church. I will be honest, when I saw them coming down the street I initially wondered how I might avoid the conversation. I guess I didn’t feel prepared to “defend” my beliefs.

I was outside in my garage canning salsa though so there was really no getting away. So I said a little prayer that God would give me the words to say. They asked if I had a faith in God and I shared that I did. They went further and wanted to talk to me about the other things that their church believes. We had some dialogue back and forth and they asked me if they left me their “book” if I would read it.

I was kind, but I said no. I didn’t need another book besides the Bible to tell me about Jesus. That was “proof” enough for me. I didn’t need another book or a profit to tell me what I already knew from the written word of God. I have a personal relationship with Him. I believe Jesus was the Son of God, He died for my sins and because of my faith and trust in Him, I would someday be in heaven with Him.

They respected my no, and told me that the number on the back of their card they gave me could be used if we ever needed help for any reason…that they were on mission for God for the next 2 years. I told them that while I didn’t agree with the teachings of their church, I respected that they were going out and sharing their faith. How many Christians do you know that would go door to door and share their faith in Jesus? I’ve never done it!

They left and I went over in my mind the things I had shared, wondering if I had honored God with my words…I hoped that they left knowing that I was kind and respectful towards them, but firm in my own faith. Oh and I invited them to my church…because it just seemed right!

Today in church the message was in part about the Great Commission. When Jesus commanded his disciples to go, baptize and teach in His name. Kent told us that each of us have been given gifts and that we can use those gifts to help fulfill the Great Commission. Maybe evangelism isn’t my gift, but writing is. So how can I use my God-give gifts and talents to bring Him glory?

Well, by sharing these moments in my life.

I won’t sugar coat it and wrap it up in a pretty little bow and pretend that because I have Jesus my life is perfect. No, my life is a mess almost 100% of the time and it is exactly why I need Jesus!

I struggle with fear and uncertainty, I question God and sometimes I even argue with Him. But He is my constant. He has always been there for me. He always will be. It doesn’t matter what happens at my surgery, if I have to take meds I don’t want to take for several years, or if it is something more….whatever happens God will be there.

I don’t know how people go through difficulty without a relationship with God. I was thinking about what I shared at my best friend Karlena’s funeral back in 2010. She had such an incredible faith and I wanted what she had. I wanted to be able to trust God even if I knew that my life would end up differently than I had hoped. She had that trust in spite of the incredible difficulties she faced every day, especially at the end.

But one of her biggest concerns was that all her family and friends might come to know God and have a relationship with Him like she did. She wanted to be reunited again in heaven. So at the end of my talk I shared that. I said that she would have wanted to see everyone in that room with her again some day and there was only one way to have that assurance, and that was a faith in God. My dad later commented that it was like I did an old fashioned altar call.

Friends, I feel just as strongly today as I did that day. Our time is short. we don’t know the day or the hour that we will be called away or that Christ will return. If you are reading this and don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus, would you please reach out to me. I would love to talk with you and pray for you. There is a peace that passes all understanding that is available through God, believe me I know this first hand and I am so grateful for it. I’d love to introduce you to my Jesus.

Pieces Woven Together

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Our pastor has been teaching on the life of David and we have been walking through a good portion of 1 Samuel for many weeks now. I love this type of Bible teaching because we, for the most part, are going through this book verse by verse.

We did this in Romans and Acts too. It helps me get a feel for what was really happening. He gives us background about the time in history etc., and I can put myself into the story and see it from all angles.

David has an incredible story doesn’t he?! A shepherd boy, the unmentioned of many brothers who is chosen and anointed by God to be the king. A boy who then waits YEARS from the time of that anointing to the time he is actually appointed king.

Talk about waiting to walk into your calling!

And we see that David struggles. He makes mistakes, he runs from God, he sins and falls short. God knows David’s heart though and he uses him anyways. What hope stories like this give me. I too can be the chief of sinners and yet God has found ways to use my story for good. How we should fall on our knees grateful that He loves us that much to redeem our story and allow us the opportunity to share His grace with others!

Today our Pastor was talking about dark times. The bulletin referenced 1 Samuel 2 (or I thought it did)…we were actually in 1 Samuel 28. But I happened to turn to 1 Samuel 2 and started reading. I have to admit, I don’t have a full grasp of the entire Bible, and how things are woven together. But today I discovered a connection I hadn’t made before and it so encouraged me.

Back in 2013 I shared a post about a woman named Hannah. I was so moved by this woman’s faith. Childless for years, tormented by the other wife, she begs God to give her a child. In exchange she vows to devote that child to the Lord’s service.

God hears and grants her a son. And then she follows through and actually gives her son over to the priest at the church. I said it before, but can you imagine the pain of having to follow through on that promise? I’ve found myself bargaining with God, making promises I probably didn’t intend to keep. But Hannah followed through.

When I wrote about it a few years ago I was amazed at her faith…but I didn’t fully understand the rest of the story. I didn’t read on through the rest of 1 Samuel to see what happens. Today it came together for me in a new way.

You see the Bible tells us that Samuel grows as a man and in his understanding of the Lord. So much in fact that he becomes a trusted advisor and a prophet. Samuel eventually anoints Saul as king. Saul the very king that we later hear is to be replaced by David. Samuel becomes David’s trusted advisor as well. He has become a man of great influence.

Our pastor said today, “Samuel had been a spiritual anchor for the people for 50+ years.” Isn’t that incredible?! And my thoughts immediately went to Hannah once again. A women who desperately wanted a son. A woman that was true to her promise and let her son go.

Do you think she had any idea the man her son would become so many years later? That he would be a spiritual anchor? We don’t know for sure, but I honestly don’t think so. It may have been easier to give up her son had she known the outcome…but so often we don’t know what will happen.

But like Hannah we take those bold steps of faith and do the hard thing anyways. And when we do the results are often more than we could ever imagine they would be. This connecting of stories gave me hope today. It was a reminder that the trials I have gone through and the lessons that I continue to learn may not only impact me and my kids…but generations to come!

So we keep walking forward, taking those hard steps and allowing God to use us, knowing that we may not see an answer to our prayers in this lifetime, but that they may continue to bear fruit for years and years to come.

Isn’t it amazing how God works?

Photo Credit: ame h

Broken Pieces

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We decided to go down to the beach for one last walk to look for shells.

It was much colder that morning and the wind was blowing the dry sand across the beach. The waves rolled and crashed and after a few minutes we threatened to go in.

I love hunting for treasures. When we vacation in the summer with our kids it is one of my favorite things to do. It maybe be quartz or agates or shells….but the thrill of finding that one perfect treasure keeps me going. So that morning I kept walking.

The reality was that most of what we found was broken. Hurricane Matthew had done some major damage on those beaches in Georgia just months before and so what was washing ashore was broken pieces of once beautiful shells.

But as I walked I reflected on some of the broken pieces of my own life. Times where I too had found myself shattered. Times where I had done the damage to someone I loved. At the time I could only see the shards of what was remaining….it didn’t seem like beauty could come from the brokenness.

But over and over again God has restored those broken places. Not because I deserved it, or even because I had changed, but simply because He is sovereign and merciful and He loves me.

As I picked up the pieces of the broken shells I could imagine what they looked like whole. I could see their beauty despite their brokenness.

I spent some time that morning walking and praying. I thanked God for all the ways in which He has changed me. I thanked Him for His love and mercy. God has been faithful to restore and redeem me even when I have fought Him and actively gone against His will before coming to that place of surrender.

He has always been constant in my life. A good, good Father. We sang that song in church a few weeks ago and it is so beautiful. A praise to the One who makes all things new.

Even when we can’t see it, when we are in the midst of the struggle, God sees us whole. Because of the saving sacrifice of His Son, God sees me as the perfect shell. He doesn’t see the chips and cracks, the shards left from the brokenness I have caused…no He sees the whole me. A vision of myself I may not comprehend this side of heaven.

Friends, I don’t know what might be the cause of your broken pieces, but I am sure you have them just like I do. It is easy to get stuck in the pit, focused on all of the negatives and unable to see the beauty.

But the beauty is there. Sometimes it takes a perspective shift to see it…but it is there. It is a new year. A time for fresh starts. Take a moment today and look for the beauty around you. Acknowledge where God has moved in your life and thank Him for that. Hold tight to the truth that He sees you whole and that those broken pieces in your story may just be the thing that gives another hope.

The Unmaking

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Recently I had the opportunity to hear Nicole Nordman perform. She has a very powerful testimony and she shared about how walking through some of the darkest moments of her life helped her to find God in a new way.

Then she sang this song called The Unmaking. It was incredibly powerful and as I have listened to it over and over again I have realized that this is where I am finding myself once again.

It is coming to that place where we are broken because we can’t manage life on our own. It’s the giving up of the lies we have believed, the things that have shaped us and kept us stuck. It is the letting go of the need to control and finally being ready to trust God with our lives.

The chorus of her song says it beautifully:

This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking

I have walked some difficult roads over the past several years. Ones that were hard by my own doing. Through a lot of hard heart work I have come to that place where I am letting go of shame, embracing who God has made me to be. I am finding joy and contentment in where I am (especially with my writing here) and am letting go of the burden of jealousy and envy. Something that has tripped me up for far too long.

Just like the song says, I had to come to that place where I was completely unmade and yet because of my faith, I could trust that God had a plan for it all.

Freedom came from that refining. I wrote an entire 31 Days series that came as a result of that time in my life. I am so grateful that God met me there and I really thought that maybe I was done with my “trying” times for awhile.

But today I had a realization that I once again was going through a refining time.

I am inching closer to 42. When people told me that things would change once I turned 40, I didn’t really think it would happen to me. But (of course) it did happen and over the past almost 2 years I have gotten more physically weak, more tired and deal with back pain every day.

Something had to change. I was tired of making excuses and so I joined an accountability group that’s led by an amazing coach and started on my first round of the 21-day fix exercise program. Guys, it’s HARD. And this morning I shared the following in my accountability group….

“My husband and I were talking to our oldest son a year or so ago and joked that when you turn 40 all bets are off. It gets harder to keep off the weight, to exercise etc. We made up this acronym to describe ourselves. WOLFS. You would think it might mean something strong but no, it stood for Weak, Old, Lazy, Fat and Soft. That’s how I have viewed myself for the past year or more.

Back in 2012 he and I were doing the 30-day shred videos. I was stronger and more fit than I had ever been. I felt great about myself. Then my husband fell off a 15ft extension ladder and shattered his heel bone into 3 pieces. It was a major injury, changed his life. He lives with constant pain and will never run again. He has 10 screws and a plate holding his foot together. It was a miracle he didn’t break his back, leg etc.

Once that happened I felt guilty when I would go exercise because he physically couldn’t. For 4 months he couldn’t even walk on his leg. And so I quit. Once I stopped it was easy not to get back into it, to make excuses.

Today as I did the pilates fix I struggled. At one point I cried. I am so not flexible. I can’t even fully straighten my legs. I always have to follow Kat (the modified exercises) and I am so tired of being a WOLFS.

This is not only a physical battle for me but an emotional and spiritual one. I believe lies much faster than I do truths. I get discouraged and quit when it gets hard. This time I want something different. So while I am discouraged at how poorly I do on the exercises, I am determined to keep going. I am only 4 days into the actual program. But I have done at least 20 minutes of hard exercise 9 out of 11 days. That’s huge for me.

I can do this. Tomorrow I will get up and do the next cardio workout in the program. I will probably have to stop and my body will hurt, but I am getting stronger. And I will see results. I am holding on to that this morning.”

Sharing that truth felt like a weight lifted.

But laying on the floor this morning I realized that I was in that place of brokenness once again. I could stay there and feel sorry for myself, or I could commit to getting back up and working for my best health.

I don’t know where you are today, what needs rebuilding in your life, but I am guessing you are stronger than you realize. God has equipped you and will strengthen you and even in the rubble you can see the beauty…the hope that’s available.

If you are holding onto lies, I am praying you would ask God to reveal the truth. And remember that when we are at our “bottom”, the only place we can look is up. I encourage you to listen to the entire song The Unmaking…I hope it blesses you like it has me!

[youtube width=”640″ height=”450″]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQkHD15J7HI[/youtube]

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Photo credit: changeable focus

Shining Light in the Corners

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We have a vacuum with a light on the front of it. It feels all fancy-like really and my only complaint is that when I switch over to use the hose, the light goes off. There have been times I wish I still had the light on when I use the hose, but that’s not what I am here to talk to you about today.

My vacuum and I have become fast friends. It sits out in my kitchen because I use it almost every day. No I am not completely OCD, but we have this dog. Now at the risk of offending my true pet-loving friends can I just take a moment and admit that the reality of pets in my home is waaaay less appealing that the original idea of having pets.

There, I’ve said it. I am a horrible person I know, but I just am realizing that I am not a great dog owner. I am tolerating her for the sake of my husband and kids. My husband said she is a good lesson in me not giving up on something that is hard. I resent him just a bit for the truth in that statement. 😉

But this dog of ours sheds 352,000 pounds of fur approximately every other day. It doesn’t matter what we do…she sheds, it is her breed. I thought she might only shed after winter, but no she sheds every waking moment.

Thus the need for the vacuum out and available.

I can’t stand dog hair in clumps all over my kitchen, on my rugs, the sides of my couch…I am drowning in fur balls…but that really wasn’t what I came here to talk to you about today.

I was vacuuming the other day and my handy light on the front was revealing hair in places that I hadn’t seen without the light. If you came into my kitchen right now you might look at the floor and think it is fine…but with the light of the vacuum the true reality is revealed.

And I was struck by the idea that is just how sin is in my life.

I can pretty myself up just enough so that I look clean to those I come in contact with. And just like when I walk through my kitchen, I stop and deal with the visible chunks and then I think things are just fine.

But when you shine a light on the edges and the corners of the room, the reality of the “dirt” is revealed. And it isn’t pretty.

Sin that I try to hide and ignore, while it may be tucked away in the corners of my life and not completely visible to others, is still there and at some point it needs to be taken care of.

I have been a “stuffer” for the majority of my life. I get hurt, feel slighted, feel angry, whatever and instead of dealing with it, I stuff it away. I easily get resentful and then I allow those resentments to fester. Pretty soon I have made a mountain out of a mole hill…and it keeps going until I explode.

You can only stuff emotions away so long….at some point everything comes to the surface.

And so last fall I got angry and said some terrible, hurtful things to my husband. Something needed to change and it needed to start with me. It was a hard season, one that I went into kicking and screaming, if we are being honest.

I didn’t want to deal with my issues, I had gotten so good at pointing out the wrong in others I had been unable and unwilling to look inward. But with the help of a wonderful Christian counselor I started to examine my life. My responses, my feelings, my anger and what caused it.

I didn’t want to be the woman, the wife and mother that didn’t have it all together. It hurt admitting my faults. I was humiliated by who I had become.

Thankfully I had people in my life who loved me in spite of me. I joined a bible study of women that I felt compelled to be honest with. They accepted me and encouraged me. The need for perfection started to fall away as I realized that I was ok not being ok.

I can honestly say it has been an amazing work of the Holy Spirit in my life. There has been a transformation in my heart, in my mind. Things that would upset me before can be let go. I am not holding resentments but rather extending grace to others in a way it has been given to me.

There is still “dirt” in my life. It will always be a walk of progress not perfection. But I am not walking covered in shame anymore either. I have a desire to be more transparent, if anything maybe my admission will allow someone else to seek out freedom in their own life as well.

Today I am not afraid of the light shining in the corners of my life. I may not like what I find there, and I might need to do some heart work to make things clean again…but even though the work is hard, the joys that come from that kind of freedom-work are immeasurable.

Are there areas you need to address today so that you can walk in freedom?

Photo Credit: williamnyk

What If?

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Last week I had a humbling experience. And while I would like to keep it to myself and not admit my weakness, I feel like we can learn from each other’s mistakes…so why not start with making an example of myself.

This online world can be a tough one to navigate, especially as women.

Take a moment and scroll through Facebook or Instagram and you will likely find someone who seems to have it more put together than you. Perfect kids, happy family, no worries, making money from blogging….it’s all there in some way, shape or form.

And if you are someone like me and struggle with feelings of self-worth and doubt, those “have it all people” can stir feelings of jealousy and envy.

I’d like to say that I didn’t get there but I did. And when we are filled with those negative feelings, we run the risk of pouring out the bad onto others. And that is what I did.

A blogger that I have followed since 2007 posted recently about taking a blogging break. I think that’s great and there have been times here that I have been quiet because I haven’t felt called to share anything.

This blogger started out a lot like me, wadding the waters of this online space in those early years, sharing her life and her family, making memories. But somewhere along the way she started getting opportunities to review products, to work with brands and make an income off of her time spent in the online space.

I have seen it all over, except in my little corner of the www. My numbers haven’t grown, I don’t make a dime off of blogging and really I am ok with that. But at the same time I was jealous of those that did. Hypocrite much?!

So when this blogger posted about her break I commented that I supported it. And then I followed up that support with a bunch of word-vomit that I was tired of sponsored posts and how I wanted to go back to the good-ol’ days of blogging where people just shared their faith and family and didn’t work so hard to promote themselves.

In my prideful mind I thought that maybe my comment would encourage her to come back and stop working with brands, stop making income. Because if I couldn’t, why should she. (Ouch I know!!)

I forgot about my comment until late that same night. I happened back over to her site and saw she had responded. She was gracious with her comment but when I read my own again I realized how hurtful it was. And I was ashamed.

We need to work at building one another up, not tearing each other down.

I was so convicted that I sent her an apology email. I confessed that my comment was spurred by jealousy, plain and simple. As difficult as it was to write and send that email, I knew that it was a character building opportunity and so I humbly apologized.

She responded a few days later, once again gracious. God allows us to be taught in these moments in life if we are just open enough to hear His voice and follow His leading. It isn’t always easy, but it is necessary work in this faith walk.

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And then last night we spent some time in our bible study talking about jealousy, shame and judgement.

We’ve all done it. Looked at someone and the way they are living their lives and judged something about it. I judged that blogger for how she was choosing to make a living for her family. Who am I to do that?!

It happens more often than we like to admit. One of the women shared how she felt judged about the choices one of her children made. We all assured her that it wasn’t a reflection of her – but the truth is when you are living in those moments it does feel like it is a reflection of you.

And as a church body (and I am talking all religions here…not a specific church) we have failed one another.

Jesus taught by example, He is the very measure of what grace should look like. And if I am being honest, often times I am willing to give grace when and to whom I feel “deserve” it instead of giving grace freely.

Once again I was humbled by the discussion and challenged to do something different.

What if we started showing love to those around us, even if they are making choices we don’t agree with?

What if we came alongside a young, teenage mother and encouraged her, encouraged her family?

What if we had a baby shower for a unwed mother, choosing to celebrate the new life instead of condemning the choices she had made?

What if we became a safe place for women to grieve the loss of a baby or a pregnancy – not dictating a time table of when they should be “over it”?

What if we stopped being so afraid of finding the right words to say and just admitted we don’t know what to say but we are praying?

What if we started being real and honest with one another so that the walls of perceived perfection would crumble and we could use our difficulties to shine Christ’s redemption?

What if?

I get up every Sunday and I get ready for church. I doubt that I will ever feel comfortable going without makeup or fixing my hair. Vain, yes but it is my reality. But don’t let the nice outfit or “put together” appearance fool you.

I am a sinner saved by grace.

I likely yelled at my kids on the way to church or got frustrated with the dog before we left. I walk in the doors and want you to believe something about me that really isn’t true. I don’t have it all together and I never will.

And that’s ok.

What if instead of judging what we think we know about someone, we start getting brave and start working to really connect with those in our church, our community?

What if when people asked us how we were, we responded in truth instead of just “I’m fine”?

And what if we got over being uncomfortable with this new reality and embraced it as an opportunity to come alongside a fellow believer that is hurting?

I am tired of being “fine” and ready to be real. Because when I am “fine” I start believing that I have it all under control and God is the first thing to go when I’ve got the reins.

We have an opportunity friends to be the church, be Jesus to a lost and hurting people. Some of those people are in your workplace, your community, your church body. Some of those people need to know that they don’t have to have it all together to be accepted by God. Maybe you, maybe I, am just the person that can be the one to be real, and by doing so, will open the door to a relationship with God.

What if?

Three Truths Experiment

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There seems to be something changing in our family. A few weeks ago we started naming truths about our kids and they are claiming them for their own. It has been incredible to watch them step into a belief of who they are in Christ instead of falling to the whispers that they are not good enough, or bad.

I am challenged by what I have seen, especially with Elijah, and want to start claiming some truths for myself.

I am 41 years young. I have spent the majority of my almost 15,000 days on this earth believing more often that I lack value, than days standing firm on who I am in God.

When my daughter cried that she was a terrible person I rebelled at the notion for her, but when I really think about it, I know I have claimed that for my own life time and time again.

Well it is time for a change and so I have decided to do a “Three Truths Experiment.”

I am going to choose 3 character traits that I believe God has created me with and I am going to start living in those truths. Looking for ways to use His gifts to be a blessing to others.

I was asked by a friend how we chose the three truths for our kids. It all started with Elijah. He had received a note home from a teacher saying how kind and compassionate he was. I knew that about him but this solidified it for him too. We added brave because I told him it takes bravery to keep making good choices, to be kind to those who may not be kind back.

After naming Elijah’s, we moved on to Karlena. Elijah was very helpful in picking out good qualities in his siblings. And so adventurous, kind and brave were named for our girl.

Gabriel was given hard-working, caring and generous and Isaac – funny, helpful and creative. I loved that the younger kids wanted to help in choosing positive truths for their older brothers!

We told our kids that these three truths aren’t the only things that we believe they are gifted with…but 10 truths per child for me to remember was going to be too much! 🙂 As I shared already, Elijah has added helpful to his list on his own. He is starting too see these positive traits in himself and others and is owning them!

Isn’t that the whole point?

Recognizing the positive things about ourselves and walking in those truths instead of being weighed down by lies that we aren’t good enough, we are failures etc.

So I am going to do this little experiment myself, and I’d love for you to join me.

Will you join me in establishing three truths for your life and then start walking through each day in full acceptance of those truths?

I have a sneaking suspicion that if we do this we will start to see a change. A change in how we see ourselves, how we see others and interact with our fellow man.

I have seen it in my son. Especially in those difficult moments. He is still six, he too can be selfish and sneaky, naughty even. But recognizing the truth of who God created him to be has changed how quickly those negative moments turn to good.

I want the freedom that he has, I want to walk in truth instead of being weighed down by lies. I know that God created each of us for a specific purpose, it’s high time we start living into that calling.

I will be praying over my words and will be back soon to share what my three truths are.

Are you in?!

“I’m a Terrible Person!”

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She came in the door sobbing. The kind of cry that would make one think something must be broken.

“I’m a terrible person”, “I’m a terrible person” she yelled in between sobs.

I grabbed her close and asked her why she would even say that.

She is 5. Oh how I don’t want this for her. This naming and claiming of lies.

Apparently something had happened as she and her brothers came back home from a friend’s house. I don’t know if she fell, or if she intentionally did it…but somehow snow got inside the barrel of one of Gabriel’s nerf guns that she was carrying. In response, one of the neighbor kids told her she was naughty.

She was almost inconsolable. And while I know that my girl can be naughty at times, there is no doubt, I wanted to get at the heart of what she was saying.

I grabbed onto her hands and made her look me in the eyes.

I reminded her of the three truths we had given to her. Elijah had helped choose words for his sister after we picked his. Karlena is Adventurous, Kind and Brave.

As I held her hands I repeated those three words over and over.

“Karlena, you are Adventurous, Kind and Brave, do you remember that?’

“God made you with those special qualities, look at me Miss…do you remember?”

“Adventurous, Kind and Brave”

She was still crying, but the intensity with which she was, had decreased.

Truth, she needs truth at this moment.

“You are NOT a terrible person, you are Adventurous, Kind and Brave.”

And then we talked about how sometimes even filled with our God-given attributes, we make mistakes.

“Mommy makes mistakes, Daddy, Elijah and Gabriel…even Isaac off at college. None of us is perfect.”

“But we can’t let those mistakes define who we are. Not when you are Adventurous, Kind and Brave.”

We talked about forgiveness, about saying we were sorry if we had hurt someone/something…even if unintentionally. I encouraged her to tell her brother that she was sorry and promised her that he would offer forgiveness.

She said sorry with big, fat tears in her eyes but the second Gabriel said he forgave her she ran and gave him the biggest hug.

And as quickly as the storm had come in, it had left.

I am 41 years young 😉 and at times I still walk around reminding myself that “I’m a Terrible Person.”

I could make a list of all the reasons that would support my claim. But is that what God wants for us?

Yes it is necessary for us to take responsibility for our actions, and sometimes that means saying we are sorry and asking for forgiveness. Hopefully as we mature (and I am not quite there yet, trust me) we learn from our mistakes and turn from those choices to better ones.

I can’t expect perfection from my kids. I won’t.

I do pray that they start to embrace the amazing truths about who they are so that even when they do make a mistake they are so firm in who God made them, that they can weather the storm, the lies that will come at them.

This isn’t a parenting “fix” so that our kids will be appropriately behaved.

No, instead this has been an opportunity for growth in our home. A naming and claiming of the truth and a stomping out of the lies.

It is easy for me to start down the path of “why didn’t I do this sooner…” But I can’t stay there. I have an incredible opportunity to change the path we have been on. Less good versus bad and more truth to overcome the lies.

I start to get a little excited when I think of the freedom that will come of this…Chains are breaking friends, can you hear it?!

Have you given yourself or your kids three truths? I so encourage you to try it and then watch what happens as a result…I’d love to hear your stories as they happen, because I am confident they will blow you away!

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Empowered to Choose

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I shared last week about how I had given my kids 3 words. Words that might encourage them to see how God created them. Words that would inspire them to be a blessing to others. I saw it working right away…it is pretty amazing actually and I only wish I had figured this out years ago.

I guess it has been born of my own recent self discovery.

I have been stuck for so long in a place where I felt defined by my failures, where I wanted to be defined by my accomplishments, seeking man’s approval and not considering how I was created in the image of God.

I have walked through life making choices, having responses, laying blame and not taking responsibility for who I was because I wasn’t able to see who I was in Christ. Yes I committed my life to Him and believed I was saved, but I always saw myself as the messy sinner that I was.

I thought I had an understanding of grace, but never really for myself.

But I am realizing that living in this way, full of lies and weighed down by past sins isn’t the life giving freedom that God wants us to walk in, through Him. It is exactly why He sacrificed His son…so we didn’t have to live this way.

I see my own kids responding to life in many of the ways that I have, and I wanted it to change. Yes they would continue to make mistakes, we all do, but what if they could fill their minds and hearts with truth instead? Would it make a difference?

It has and it does.

Elijah has been the most impacted. He held the door again after school for his classmates. He apparently volunteered in the classroom when his teacher was out for the day and his substitute sent a note home and said he was her hero.

Do you know what it does to a young child to be called a hero?!

This morning we were talking on the way to school and he said he wanted to add a 4th word to his list! He called himself helpful. Then he proceeded to name some strengths he saw in me.

He is looking for the good in others and then telling them. He is six. Imagine what a lifetime of hearing and affirming the truth about who God created him to be will do?!

In choosing 3 simple words for my son he is now empowered to choose more truths for himself and others.

He is choosing to see that God created him for good. At six he has a purpose, he believes these truths about himself. He won’t always get it right, but he is embracing the positive instead of believing the negative lies.

Oh how I want everyone to be transformed in the way my son has. We need to start claiming the truths of who God created us to be. Stop believing the lies that you are too dirty, too broken, too sin-filled to be used by God.

Name 3 truths about who God created you to be and start walking in them today. {<====Click to Tweet}

I have maybe shared this song with you already, but it is such a powerful song that I wanted to share it today. It is called Clean by Natalie Grant and the words so speak to who I have seen myself to be, and the the reality of who I am in Christ.

God is restoring my heart and my life piece by piece. I can see it in even the smallest of ways and I am just humbled by His grace in my life.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAQQFB7btbc[/youtube]

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