Category Archives: Faith

For When The Wall Needs to Come Down

We all have walls in our lives that need to come down.

I personally struggle with jealousy in a BIG way. It is a wall around my heart, the need to compare, the envy of others and how “put together” they may seem. My focus on what is important is skewed.

It is one of the reasons that I started sharing my Mom Confessions here. I hope that I haven’t ever come across to another as “having it all together,” because I don’t. Ever. If sharing a few of my failures each week keeps me more transparent, well it is a necessary practice.

Sometimes God calls us to the hard. He calls us to step out in faith and do the seemingly impossible. We dream big God-sized dreams and often enter them knowing that without God’s help, we can’t accomplish them.

I have been in this place many times. My “word’ for this year is Depend and man has God given me multiple opportunities to put my money where my mouth is. Do I really believe what I say here? In the walking out of my faith am I actually trusting God with everything and not just saying that I want to?

This hasn’t been a fun 5 months. I would love to tell you that I have it figured out but I don’t. The one thing that I do know is that fear can have a huge factor in my actions.

What will people think?

What if I heard God wrong?

What if this isn’t what He wants for me anymore?

How will I know….how can I possibly discern His will in my life?

Have you ever faced those questions?

I am convinced that fear is often what the enemy uses in my life to keep me from moving forward. (<===Click to Tweet)

I can be certain of a calling from God, but then if when it doesn’t go exactly as I had planned/hoped/imagined…I start to second guess everything. I wonder if I have made a mistake and I start looking for an “out.”

Heck, I have a heart for community. Loved the idea of the turquoise table, FINALLY got one in my yard, shared the idea with my church. And guess how many parties I have had? NONE. It has been the coldest (weather wise) and busiest (work & family wise) 6 weeks we have had…and my passion sits on the back burner.

And if I can be completely honest, that table taunts me some days. “All talk and no action huh?!” “Maybe this was a mistake, besides hosting scares you…” “What a joke you are….”

The fear creeps in, the lies come more loudly and I start to doubt God’s call for community in my life.

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I have seen this in other areas as well.

Whether it is a project, a new business, a campaign at church…we prayerfully enter into new opportunities and trust God’s plan. We move forward, do our best, and set expectations that are God-sized.

We know we need God to achieve the plans He has given us….but when it doesn’t come together like we thought it would, the fear and the doubt start to creep in.

Did we hear God correctly?

Should we continue forward?

Don’t we have a responsibility to be responsible with what God has given us?

All legitimate and valid questions. All worth discussing and exploring.

But having walked through some unknown seasons of my own, I start to see things from a different perspective.

I can see how we so often act in fear, myself included. And quite honestly, I am sick and tired of living my life in chains.

Healthy fear can be ok. I don’t stand in the middle of the road, in oncoming traffic to test God’s plan for my life and safety. But I am choosing to walk forward in faith when God’s calling is present, even if it means it might be hard…or unknown.

In the Bible we see stories time and time again of people that God called to do something hard, impossible..unfathomable even.

Read the story of the Wall of Jericho in Joshua 6. There was a literal wall that needed to come down. So God tells Joshua that he and his men need to march around the wall, once a day for 6 days. And on the 7th day they marched around 7 times and once they had marched the final time around they shouted out and the wall fell.

It is impossible.

Without God, it is impossible that men marching around a wall for a week would cause it to crumble. Some may have thought that Joshua was a little bit crazy, don’t you think? And after about the 3rd day…don’t you think the questioning started? Maybe the doubt started to settle in deep.

What if they had quit? What if they had believed the lie that this call wasn’t from God?

And then there is Abraham.

Oh you know Abraham and his beloved son Isaac? The entire story is found in Genesis 22. Go spend some time there reading it. Here is my favorite part of that story. Abraham was OLD, he finally has his promised son, who is guessed to be a teenager at this point. God tells him to sacrifice his son and both Abraham and Isaac start on their journey.

They even get to the point where the alter is built, and Abraham is ready to do what God has called…and just in time God provides an alternate sacrifice. He tested Abraham and because he was faithful, generations of people were blessed.

Generations were blessed.

There are so many more that I could share, but I encourage you to spend some time searching yourself.

You may find yourself in a time of testing. Can we trust God with the vision He has given us? Go ahead and ask the questions that come, spend time in serious prayer asking for God’s wisdom. But know this, from my experience I have seen this to be true…we can question and pray and explore the best angles but sometimes we are just called to keep walking forward.

If God didn’t want the wall to come down after all of that walking, it wouldn’t have come down. Joshua was faithful to what God had called him to, even if it seemed impossible, and ultimately God’s plan for the wall was seen.

Whatever wall you have in your life that needs to come down….march on forward. Be prayerful, ask for discernment, but march on friends. March on!

Photo Credit: E.Briel

For Those Who Persecute You

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I know that I don’t fully understand what real persecution is like. The kind that causes one to hide to worship God because they fear the repercussions if they are found out. The kind that has men on their knees facing imminent death. I don’t for a moment want to compare the struggles we have been through to the magnitude that those are….but we have faced persecution.

I don’t want to give too many specific details because honestly it is in the past and it doesn’t matter anymore…but there was a time that Dominic and I were persecuted by another. False things were said, attacks were made and ultimately God walked us through that time and has blessed us, but it was a painful time. Feelings were hurt and it can be hard to let those go.

Recently we heard that this person has cancer. We know no other details…just that word.

And can I be honest that the immediate thought that came to my mind was “they are getting what they deserve.” (Please know I am NOT proud of this either)

Immediately following that thought, was the command that I needed to be in prayer for this person. (THIS is ALL God)

When bad things happen to people that have hurt us, it somehow feels like a little bit of justice is taking place. Now let me temper that by saying that I too have hurt people, so by my own definition, I deserve bad things as well.

So please hear me that I don’t think that anyone who gets cancer must have done something to “deserve it.” Quite the contrary. What I am admitting to is that my humanness, my sinful nature, makes me react in a way that is not Christ-like.

I know that I am a failure. I can’t and don’t love like Christ. It is the reason that I need Him in my life every moment of every day.

But Jesus specifically said in Matthew 5:44 “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

It seems pretty clear doesn’t it?

It doesn’t mean that it is easy though….

So I looked at it a little deeper…if you read a little more in Matthew you see this. Matthew 5: 43-47: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. ⁴⁶For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? ⁴⁷And if you greet only your brothers,[i] what more are you doing than others?”

If I am seeking to model my life like Christ, I need to be listening to His words on how to live.

I was sharing my thoughts with two of my closest friends this morning, because this IS hard. I can know it, and believe it, but the walking out of my faith can be a challenge.

One of these friends shared something that hit me in a new way this morning. When Jesus was hanging on the cross he was in between 2 criminals. Now I don’t know that we know for sure what their crimes were. We don’t know how old they were or if they had ever lived a “good” life…but we do know that their crimes were serious enough to warrant an execution of this manner.

One of the criminals taunted Jesus and told him to save himself and them. The other said this… Luke 23: 40-43: “But the other rebuked him, saying, “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation?⁴¹And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” ⁴²And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” ⁴³And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.”

The 2nd criminal may have been a criminal all his life. But in that moment, with the recognition of his sins and the acknowledgement of the kingship of Jesus…he was forgiven – completely.

He may not have done a single thing “good” in his life up to that point, but when faced with the truth of Jesus he knew he wanted to have a chance at being remembered.

THAT is why Jesus came…if even only for that one criminal.

As I felt challenged to pray for this person who has cancer, I initially looked at it selfishly. It stinks to admit this, but I thought if I prayed and they found Jesus, maybe they would make restitution for the things they did…the things they said.

But God calls me to pray for those who persecute me…and I need to do that regardless if the offender attempts to make things right. I felt convicted today because I knew that I was putting conditions on my prayers. (<====Click to Tweet)

I will pray for them IF the end result serves me.

God’s love is unconditional. Regardless of how I respond, He loves me. If I am seeking to be more like Christ, I need to model my behavior after the example that was set for me.

So I will pray that this person will know Christ in a real, personal way. That God’s presence would be felt and that healing would occur.

This isn’t and won’t be easy, but it is necessary. As I make choices that are against my “human” nature and more align with a Christ-like nature….slowly I am being transformed in His image.

And these moments of transformation are pretty exciting!

“Change my heart Oh Lord, make it ever new. Change my heart Oh Lord…I want to be like you”

Photo Credit: Lel4nd

Tetelestai

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“When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.” John 19:30

I heard the word for the first time from one of our worship team leaders. She was sharing a song with that name. The greek word Tetelestaai means it is finished.

The last word that Jesus spoke on earth before He paid the price for my sins.

The weight of that word is on my heart this week. As we approach Resurrection Sunday and the celebration that is, I can’t forget about what happened just 3 days before.

I have been participating in the She Reads Truth study for the last 41 days. Looking at my own sin, coming once again to that place of repentance and recognizing the immense sacrifice that was made on my behalf.

There are days that I feel pretty good about myself. You know I get up and read my Bible, I am patient and loving to my kids, I work hard at the office and might even have a good meal for my family for dinner. I pat myself on the back for a job well done and might even polish my halo a little.

I’ve got this….look at all I can do.

It doesn’t take long for reality, my sin reality, to smack me in the face once again.

The moment I think I have it all together, is the moment I disregard the gift that was given to me on the cross.

I can’t ever do enough, be enough, strive enough, to deserve the grace of God. (<===Click to Tweet)

That is what makes His grace, His unconditional love so scandalous.

Our pastor has been teaching out of Romans for the past several weeks and has been bringing a Word to our congregation. Oh it has been just what my soul needs to hear. The first few weeks were tough…I mean Paul’s letter to the Romans talks over and over again about how we ALL have sinned.

Romans 3: 11-18

““None is righteous, no, not one;
    no one understands;
    no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
    no one does good,
    not even one.”
“Their throat is an open grave;
    they use their tongues to deceive.”
“The venom of asps is under their lips.”
    “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”
“Their feet are swift to shed blood;
  in their paths are ruin and misery,
and the way of peace they have not known.”
    “There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

None is righteous, No not one.

So what are we left with then?

As our pastor told us…stick with him, because the hope comes in Romans 4. Using the faith of Abraham as an example, Paul tells us that God’s righteousness is not just for Abraham, but for us also.

Romans 4: 20-25

^“No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. That is why his faith was “counted to him as righteousness.” But the words “it was counted to him” were not written for his sake alone, but for ours also. It will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord, who was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.”

Because of the sacrifice that Jesus made on our behalf, if we have faith in God, righteousness will be counted to us as well.

He called that kind of grace scandalous. And it is.

There isn’t anything that I can do to “earn” that kind of favor.

Jesus gave His life for MY sins.

For the fight I had with my husband and the ways I acted in disrespect. Tetelestai.

The day I argued with my kids and said things that hurt feelings. Tetelestai.

For every time I gossiped and spoke unkind words, and fueled the fire of negativity in another. Tetelestai.

For my lack of faith, my lashing out at God, my utter defiance to His will in my life. Tetelestai.

No one is righteous, no not even me.

And yet, my Jesus was accused, falsely charged, beaten to near death, forced to walk carrying His own torture device, pierced and nailed to a cross, and hung to die for me.

For every moment that I am not proud of, every single one…Jesus paid the price.

It is finished. Tetelestai.

Over the next few days I encourage you to be aware of how big this gift is that we have been given. We don’t have to end up in a pit of despair, we all have sinned, we all have fallen short. That is what makes His gift so amazing.

He paid the price.

Because of the shedding of blood we can stop striving to earn God’s favor. (<====Click to Tweet)

We already have it, it is finished.

Tetelestai.

Photo Credit: Its His Gift

When Laughter Lifts Spirits

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I had the joy of attending a baby shower yesterday for a sweet new mama. This is her first child and it can be scary. Several of us from our small group joined together to have this shower and it was such fun.

Nancy hosted and made the yummiest of treats. I ate 3 of her filo cups at the shower (I was trying to be super polite) …I could have had 50. They were THAT good. They were these little filo dough cups filled with cheese and mayo and bacon and tomato. YUM!!

I digress….

I had an idea for the cake and was scheduled to do the frosting and then my kids got the stomach flu (YUCK)…so my friend Steph offered to take care of it for me, which was such a blessing.

They did such a good job. It was so adorable! And their story about how it all came together (or almost didn’t) was HILARIOUS. I was laughing just hearing it.

I needed that laughter yesterday.

I said it before but I have found myself in a tough season. It has been a struggle and while I have felt God’s presence so clearly, it is still hard. I haven’t found myself laughing much, and sometimes it is just what we need.

We spent almost 3 hours laughing and sharing stories.

Joy, our youth pastor’s wife, shared the devotional and gave the best “10 things to do to go crazy” list. Dave Letterman doesn’t have anything on this woman. So so good. Everything was written to be sarcastic and we were roaring through it. Like “When you are feeling down about yourself, go onto Facebook and compare your life to all of the perfect people out there…” or “Apply every piece of advice someone give you to your life immediately.” (Don’t we all find ourselves doing these very things and then going crazy over it?!)

And then we just shared stories about our kids and life.

They weren’t the “bragging” kind of stories. No, these were the real life, it isn’t easy and we all make mistakes, kind of stories.

Laughter filled the room, time and time again.

And as the time was coming to the close my friend next to me said something to the effect of “this was so much fun. I just feel better about myself as a mom and feel like I can go home now and better deal with my life.”

Isn’t that what community should be about?

A gathering where our joys are multiplied, and our sorrows divided. (<====Click to Tweet)

If we leave a time like this feeling better about ourselves, it is so so worth it.

It wasn’t really about the food or the cake (although both were amazing), it was about shared heart-stories and women gathering to support and love one of their own.

I need more of that in my life.

I need to make it a priority to spend time with other women, in community. Because when I do I walk away with a lighter spirit and a song in my step.

Laughter truly is the best medicine!

Photo Credit: a4gpa

Building Spiritual Muscles

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I am a girl with lots of ideas. I love home improvement projects and changing a space with paint. But at times I have terrible follow through. I start something and then get really close to finishing it and stop.

This is evident most in my recent toy room re-do. I have everything done, except painting 2 long shelves that hang on the wall. I can’t hang my pictures until I hang my shelves. I need to get those darn shelves painted already.

I have avoided it for the past 4-5 weekends. I know if I just set out to do it…I would get it done and I’d be so happy with the results. I really have no excuse except that I am lazy at times!

The same goes for exercise.

I am not one of those people who LOVES exercise. I despise it in fact, it hurts during and after and I don’t get the results I want overnight…so I commit for a day or 2 and then quit.

This seems to be my “MO”.

And committing my time to God has suffered the same results, until recently.

Last fall I was asked to participate in a 40 Day Prayer Challenge with a group of other women. We read/listened to Mark Batterson’s devotional and committed to praying for 40 days. Knowing my track record, I didn’t think I would make it past day 5…but I wanted to spend more time getting to know about God and felt this was a great way to start.

To my surprise, I went through the entire 40 days and didn’t miss one! I journaled every morning and committed to praying for our son who is a senior. He has some big life choices ahead and I wanted to cover him in prayer.

This 40 days was life changing for me. I had started to develop a spiritual discipline and was working my “muscles” every day. It felt good. I was listening for God, seeking His path and documenting all the ways He was answering my prayers.

But I wanted to take it further. I knew that if I wanted to see and understand who God was, I needed to get into His Word.

My husband bought me (after much hinting) a journaling Bible for Christmas.

This too has transformed my time in the Word. Feeling free to write, underline and highlight my way through His promises has created a desire for more. (<===Click to Tweet)

Each morning I get up an hour before I need to take a shower. It is early and I am so tired, but it is important. I start with the prompts from She Reads Truth, then join in my Hello Mornings online group and recently have been going back through the Circle Maker as a walk through Lent.

I will be honest, I have missed a few mornings. But this time in God’s Word has become a lifeline to me.

I tend to get a little squirrely when I am not spending at least 15 minutes each morning in some form of quiet time. I can tell a difference when I choose to sleep in. I am more snappy and less patient.

As I continue to develop this routine I am building those spiritual muscles. I am more confident in God’s love for me. The past month has be TOUGH personally. I am ~~working~~ struggling through some things that typically would bring me to a point of hopelessness and defeat. But as I have committed time to God, He has committed His promises to my mind.

Those promises remind me of who I am through Him.

He is my strength and strong tower.

He upholds me with His right hand.

He has a plan and a purpose for my life.

He told me there would be trouble, but to have heart because He has overcome the world.

With each new day I am reminded time and time again why I need to hold onto hope. And we all need a little of that don’t we?!

It can be hard to get into the routine, but I promise you when you do you will be filled with blessings overflowing!

What has been your roadblock to more time with God?

Joining my friends over at the High Calling.

Why I Blog

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Recently, as a part of some God-sized Dream team building, we were asked by one in the group to share our “why I blog” story. It has been awhile since I have written about that so I thought it would be fun to revisit it today!

I started blogging in 2008. Honestly as I type that I can’t believe that it has been that long. We lived in SD and had dial-up internet. Writing a post took forever, uploading a single picture was 30 minutes at least! It is a wonder that I stuck with it for several years with those conditions! 😉

I have always loved sharing stories and writing.

When I was young I had a journal, the Type A personality in me also had a clothing log. In my great efforts to become popular (it didn’t work btw) I would record in spiral notebooks my outfit of the day. Had there been blogging in the late 80’s early 90’s…OOTD may have been cool. But this was my sad attempt at making sure that I didn’t wear the same thing in a 2 week period. Yes even then I had problems!

For a time I had a prayer journal and would write out all things I wanted to do or change in my life. And then for many years the writing stopped completely.

Life got HARD. I was unable and unwilling to see any good in my life and so I shut down. If I had a blog then I would have called it “Let Me Count the Ways My Life Stinks”…catchy huh?! At that point I didn’t believe God could really make a change in my life. I had prayed for it, begged even and He hadn’t answered my prayers…(or maybe I wasn’t listening…)

In 2006 God grabbed a hold of my heart in a BIG way. I could see clearly my desperate need for a Savior. I couldn’t keep living the way I had and became willing to do whatever I needed to find peace.

It was 2008 when I first heard the word blog. I had tickets to attend a concert with Point of Grace and Selah. Selah had to cancel our concert because the lead singer, Todd Smith’s wife, was pregnant with a baby who was “incompatible with life” and she was due to deliver any day. The radio station that hosted the concert asked for prayers and directed us to Angie’s blog where she had been documenting her journey.

My heart was instantly grieved for this woman I hadn’t ever met. In February, just a few short months earlier, I had lost a pregnancy as well. One that I was so excited about, one we had prayed about…a pregnancy that had felt like a “reward” for finally being on the right track with God.

So when I had a miscarriage I couldn’t understand why God would allow this to happen. Weren’t we doing everything right? My heart hardened towards God and the relationship that I had been building over the past 2 years began to crumble.

But every morning I would go and read Angie’s words.

Filled with heartache and pain, but yet hope, she shared about her God. A God that was the same yesterday as He was today…regardless of the circumstances happening around her. Her transparency was remarkable. Of course she was heartbroken, she wanted a different outcome for her daughter, but she never stopped trusting God with all of it.

Her words, her story, gave me hope. (<====Click to Tweet)

I began to ask myself if her faith can stand firm in that situation…then why not me as well? How could I sit with my hardened heart, cursing God for not saving my pregnancy and Angie was praising God even in the storm? How do you get to that place of complete surrender and full faith?

I wanted what she had, a faith like that. A hope in Christ in ALL things.

And so I started a blog of my own. A place where I could work out this shaky-knees faith. A home that I could share my hurts and my pain and hopefully one day share the hope I had in Jesus.

It didn’t come easily at first. I can say that in the beginning the words may have just been that, words. I wrote what I wanted to feel but didn’t truly believe them for my own life.

But God has a funny way of working on our heart and over time I started to see the blessings.

In late 2012 I started this blog. I probably should have called it KristinSmith.com, because according to people who tell you how to blog best…that is the way to go. But the reality for me really was this, it isn’t about me. This space, my ability to write and share stories, is all God. (<====Click to Tweet)

God gives me the words. And by trusting in God and working through some difficult life experiences, I have a chance to be a light here. To share with someone who is hurting the hope that is found in Him. My life isn’t without problems today. But because of Christ I am lavished in love, riches that are beyond my understanding.

Oh it is my honest prayer that maybe just one person might rest here for a moment and find hope. And that is why I blog!

Do you have a blog? I’d love to read your “why” story…would you share a link below?!

Photo Credit: JeanbaptisteM

Backup Singer, Comedic Relief and Why Dying to Oneself is So Hard

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I have always loved to sing.

In the most difficult times of my life, singing praise and worship songs, belting them out in my car as my cry to God, were my lifeline.

When I didn’t feel able to praise God in spite of my circumstances with my own words, the lyrics to my favorite praise songs did that for me.

I haven’t ever taken lessons, and in junior high I was always jealous of those girls that were a part of the jazz or swing groups. The would sing and perform on stage and had such confidence.

I tried out for concert choir in high school and while I felt like I botched the audition, I made the group and I loved that time learning and singing.

When we moved to Marshall almost 4 years ago we found a church that we loved right away. I remember seeing the worship team lead and wished I could be a part of it…half hoping that someone would hear me singing and tell someone that I needed to be up on stage.

It all happened a little differently than the magical way I had dreamed of, but about a year and 1/2 ago I started singing on our worship team.

It terrified me.

I am not kidding, like all out body shaking, voice quivering, terrified.

Don’t get my wrong, I equally loved it at the same time too, but it was all I could do to not run off the stage on the Sunday’s that I helped the team.

We have some really great, strong singers on our team and as we practiced my confidence grew a little. I started learning how to hear and sing harmony on some songs (which has completely wrecked my ability to NOT sing harmony on most songs I hear on the radio) 😉 But the one thing that terrified me more than anything was the possibility of leading.

As the person leading the song, you have to know when to start, when to come in, you need to sing strong and know all the notes…you are leading and the rest of the group depends on you.

So clearly my scardy-cat self was not prepared for a job like that.

You see I joke that I was hired for background vocals and comedic relief. Now of course we are all volunteers and don’t get paid…but if we did that is what I would be paid for. I would not be paid to lead. At least not in my mind.

And then this week I was asked to lead. Sometimes leading means everyone on the team sings with you, and as the lead your mic is just turned up a little louder than the rest. Other times when you lead it means that you sing a solo for a time before others join you.

The latter option is horrifying to me. Horrifying.

And so, of course, THAT was the option for me this week.

I didn’t feel confident and the song felt to high. Do I try and sing it strong with the risk of straining my voice, or do I revert to the falsetto high voice that I need to reach those notes that are waaaay up there?

Switching between the 2 wasn’t coming smoothly. I practiced throughout the week. I listened to the notes on CCLI, and I begged God that He would impress on the team that someone else was better equipped for the job.

Clearly I struggle with a few self-confidence issues.

And here is the deal. I KNOW that I sing because God gave me a voice, and I do it for Him. But the voice in my head tells me that if I don’t have it perfect, then I will be a distraction to those trying to worship.

If I can’t sound like Natalie Grant or Kari Jobe…then I shouldn’t be leading.

Dominic told me to sing loud and proud. But as we approached the song in practice yesterday morning I just knew that I couldn’t do it. I tried and it sounded awful, there may have been a few tears too…I was so mad that the whole thing was such a struggle for me.

It is embarrassing to feel that emotional about singing a verse and a chorus by myself. Our team is amazing, and they came in early and sang the chorus with me…and one of the WT leaders talked to me before the service started.

This too is like labor. A process we must go through, and in the end there is a reward. We get to honor God with our voices – even if they aren’t perfect.

Because it isn’t about me. And yes I KNOW that…but boy the physical reactions that I feel in that situation say otherwise.

And I am not there yet. She said that this too is a process of dying to oneself. Of getting to that place where we are leading in worship, unashamed. I can’t and won’t get it perfectly. I am not Natalie Grant or Kari Job, and the people at my church don’t expect me to be.

They all give me grace but I am unwilling and unable to give it to myself.

And she also said that my perception of the situation and the reality may just not be the same. (Who knew?! 😉 )Which is unfortunately the case in so many areas of my life. If I really sounded as terrible as I felt I did, they wouldn’t have me up there.

So this is a process that I am going to have to walk through. I will be honest it would be easier to just ask to never lead a song again, or to quit. Because it is my nature to flee from things that are difficult like this.

But God doesn’t want us to run from the difficult. He calls us to walk through those things, and promises that He is with us.

I don’t know when I will get over the fear. But I know that I want to honor God with the voice that He gave me…so regardless of how I feel on the inside, I will choose to keep trying, and will trust that He will refine this area in my life as well.

What do you struggle with that God is calling you to walk through? I would love to pray over you this week!

Photo Credit: Marcin Wichary

Roadblocks

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Recently I got an email from a sweet reader B asking about roadblocks. I have written several times about the various ways in which our family faced difficult times, changes in our plan etc. She is facing a roadblock of her own and she wanted to know they whys…and what to do about it.

While I am at times an expert in living with the roadblock, I unfortunately don’t always deal with them well. In looking back at some of the major setbacks we have faced, I can see more clearly. I can see why God has us walk another path…why we needed to go through the difficulty.

But honestly, in the moment, all I can see is pain and frustration.

Dominic and I were talking again yesterday about how God answered a very simple prayer with a seemingly difficult answer. Almost 5 years ago Dominic started praying that God would bring him someone that would teach him another area of law…give him a chance to learn and thrive.

When we got that call from a head hunter about a position in MN, we did everything “right”. We researched the area, the type of law he would be doing, the man he was being interviewed by. We got down on our knees every morning and prayed together that God would clearly open or shut doors so we knew we were making wise decisions.

We didn’t want to make a choice based on money alone, and while the salary increase is what we needed financially at the time…we didn’t want to have dollar figures rule us. At the end of several months of interviews that resulted in a job offer, we took it excited to face the adventure ahead.

Dominic and I are the type that are comfortable in sameness. We don’t go out much, we are homebodies and do well with routine. Living apart for the following 8 months, he in MN and the rest of us in SD, was one of the hardest things we have been through.

On top of the difficulty of living apart, his position at the new firm quickly turned to a hostile one. The environment there was awful, to say the least, and Dominic was under so much stress he was wearing it on the outside.

Why would God lead us to this place that was so toxic?

We pushed forward though, prayed about selling our house which sold after 1 viewing, in 4 days. An open door to make a move to MN to all be together.

And then, as I have shared before, months later we both found ourselves unemployed. How did this happen? How could God let this happen?! Those were the thoughts that went through my mind each day.

That year on my birthday my sister gave me a plaque with the following saying on it. “Sometimes God doesn’t give you what you think you want, not because you don’t deserve it, but because you deserve so much more.”

At the time I couldn’t see the truth in all of it.

I was bitter and angry at God and just wanted to be done with all the struggle. Have you ever found yourself there? Just wanting life, everything to come easy?!

But as you know, those dark times led to big steps of faith. Those steps led to the opening of our own business, my transferring to the office to work with Dominic…and today a successful business.

It isn’t easy. We are busy and often stressed at the workload, but it is a good stress. One that we are grateful for because we know that God’s hand was in the entire situation. God answered Dominic’s humble prayer so many years ago.

He provided someone that would teach him the basics of this new area of law, and while we had anticipated that he would be working there for a very long time…God had bigger plans for Dominic. Ones that we couldn’t have thought or imagined at the time.

Yes we had to face roadblocks and setbacks through the process, but ultimately our prayer was answered with a result that is far better than we could have hoped.

I don’t know what roadblock you may be facing today. And like I told B, I wish that I could tell her the “whys”, and the “what nows.” I don’t have all the answers, and honestly as I walked through my own I didn’t do it with a lot of grace.

So instead maybe learn what not to do from me! 🙂

Today I try and spend some time in the Bible each morning. I pray that God will guide our every step. And I try to remember all the ways that He has been faithful to us throughout the years, so when I face another roadblock (and oh they WILL come) I am prepared with my arsenal of faith stories to get me through in a positive light.

If you are facing a seemingly impossible situation today, would you leave a comment and let me know. You don’t have to give details if you don’t want, but I would love to pray for you!

Photo Credit: B4bees

Dear Dominic, We Are Getting a Turquoise Table!

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Dear Dominic,

Can I first start by just telling you once again how grateful that I am that you helped arrange my birthday trip. What a gift it was. Especially when you got to have several days full of “barf duty”…I am so sorry about that!! That being said…there is something that I want you to know….

We are getting a Turquoise Table.

I know that when I came back from Allume and told you all about this turquoise table idea, you thought that I was a little crazy.

You may be right, but you know….I am ok with that! 😉

I am crazy, but I want to create a better environment of community in our neighborhood. We have wonderful neighbors, we really do. But the reality is we don’t ever really take time to spend time with them.

We have an annual block party, which is awesome…but I am craving more. More for us, more fun for our kids. I want them to grow up craving community as well. To learn the art of hospitality…even if it starts in our front yard.

I realize that logistically we don’t live in a place that can accommodate a turquoise table year round. But my hope is that if we try this…try and encourage and build community in our own front yard, that even in the winter we might desire to find ways to gather together inside.

That is my prayer with this idea.

The good news is that we now have a truck that can get the $98 table from Lowes in Brookings, to our front yard. And conveniently enough I have almost a full gallon of paint left from our toy room redo! Woot for keeping the costs down! 😉

So there it is Dominic.

In my mind I have pictures of the kids from the neighborhood gathering at the table. I am taking ideas from Gindi’s events and hoping that we can invite our neighbors once a month to our yard for treats and conversation.

It doesn’t have to be elaborate or fancy, doesn’t have to cost too much money…but if we make the effort I think that we might see something blossom. These are my wild ideas and big dreams.

It is wonderful that I have met such amazing people online. But I am now challenged to try to build and strengthen relationships in our own community.

I believe it is possible and maybe a turquoise table in the front yard is crazy enough to make it happen!

Thank you for loving me even when I have crazy ideas…I am hoping that you will come to enjoy the turquoise table idea as much as I already do!

And now I cannot wait for April to come, snow to melt and the painting to commence!!

Love, Your Dreamer Wife

Photo Credit: Shabby Old Potting Shed

It Is Well

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I decided on a whim to do a makeover on our toy room. Call it fresh starts, or Dominic’s absolute distaste for the clearance red paint that I put on the walls over a year ago….it felt like it was time to liven the space up.

I love it already. Seriously, I may go missing and be found hanging in the space. I still have so much to do and now have run out of time…but I am excited to see the progress happen!

I spent the better part of the day on Saturday priming and painting. And I just listened over and over to the Bethel Music – You Make Me Brave album. My favorite song thus far is “It Is Well.”

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txg5nOIZYO8[/youtube]

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Through it all.

I felt God calling me to depend on Him this year. I didn’t really want that to be my word because it scares me a bit. What might He call me to? What may He ask us to walk through?

And as I thought of these things on Saturday, the words of this song flooded my spirit.

Through it ALL. My eyes are on you Lord, and through it ALL, it is well.

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Even when I can’t see the whys, even when I don’t know the future, when there are trials and unknown….even when my eyes can’t see Lord, it is well.

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

Yes THIS – let go my soul and trust. Trust in God, trust in His plan for me and my family…He has control over all, the waves, the wind….He has it all.

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

Most of our lives we deal with the unknown. We can’t see what unexpected circumstance may come our way. We don’t know how our children will go through life. For someone like me who deals with fear and worry about those unknowns, this can be debilitating.

But God.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

God goes with me in each moment of my day. And through it all, it is well.

I find comfort in those simple words this morning. While today I am not faced with a major crisis, or decisions (except for maybe pink eye, which is another post all together…) I can trust that whatever I face in my day to day, God is going with me.

Through it all, my eyes are on you Lord and it is well with me.