Category Archives: Faith

A Rich History

Today we honored a man who has provided such a rich history for our extended family. A husband, father, grandpa, uncle, brother and friend…a man who touched many lives. And yet this man, deserving of honor and praise, wanted those attending his funeral to know that it wasn’t about him, but about Him.

His greatest wish in leaving instructions about his service was that the message be about the God that offered immeasurable grace to him. The God that poured out His blessings on my extended family. My grandpa wanted everyone to know his Savior. THAT was what is most important about today.

The message shared was filled with hope. Hope in the eternal life offered by trusting in Jesus. My grandpa was able to see God’s hand throughout his life and while it wasn’t always easy…he trusted God.

What an amazing legacy he left us.

The committal ceremony was at the cemetery across from the church my grandparents were married in. We had an opportunity to go into that church after the ceremony and see where they had exchanged nuptials a little over 67 years ago.

My great uncle Al, who grew up in the church, told us a few stories about the history of the building. Re-built in the early 30’s after a fire destroyed it, the church that stands today looks just like the church before the fire. They rebuilt it exactly the same!

The walls were lined with huge stained glass windows. Windows that apparently cost $66 back in 1932. Cheap in todays standards, but in the Depression it was a lot of money.

The original organ was destroyed in the fire and a new one was placed in the balcony. It was HUGE and apparently made beautiful music.

Al told the story of when the church was on fire all the farmers from around the area were called and they worked to save as much as they could before the fire destroyed it all. The pews were screwed to the floor and somehow in the fight to save them, these men ripped the pews out of the ground without unscrewing them! They also worked to save the alter before the rest was lost.

The wall behind the alter was destroyed but then rebuilt. The stunning beauty of all of that woodwork was amazing.

Apparently earlier that day a couple had exchanged marriage vows, just like my grandparents did 67 years ago.

I felt very aware of the juxtaposition of one new life full of hope and promise just beginning and another life lived so well, ending.

67 years ago I would guess that my grandparents exchanged vows filled with excitement and hope. Promising to love one another until death would part them, they stepped out in faith and trusted God with their new life together.

They would face heartache yes, but also experienced years filled with the blessing of family and God was with them through it all. My grandpa loved his community and worked to serve others. He volunteered on different boards and committees. He gave generously in so many ways. He sought to share the blessings God had given him. He had a true servants heart.

Some of those very things that are a part of my natural makeup come from him. What a rich history he left me.

I am so fortunate to have been raised in a Christian home. The legacy of faith passed along from generation to generation will make an impact that even I can’t fully appreciate right now. Just like the beauty in the walls of an old church, we each have a story to tell.

I think that is one reason I love to write and tell stories, the good and the bad. When I share all that God has done in my life, I am establishing that rich history. There have been fires at times, situations that felt overwhelming. But as I look back at all the ways God has been with us, I can see how He made beauty out of ashes.

Yes today we remembered my grandpa and celebrated his life, but even more so we praised the God that offered grace to each one of us by sending His Son. My grandpa wanted everyone to know that peace. To experience the full life that can be found in a life lived with God. I am honored to have had him as my grandpa and grateful that his faith will live on in my life and my family.

A rich history indeed.

Steady Heart

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This past Sunday my friends Erin and Joy shared the song “Steady Heart” during our worship service.

I love me a good worship song, especially one that I can learn to sing the harmony along to. So l listened to that song on repeat when I heard they were singing it….I had no idea how much that song would minister to me this week.

When Erin introduced the song she talked about how it isn’t a song about OUR steady heart, but instead the steady heart of God. Because we don’t have steady hearts do we?

Life tosses us like waves in the ocean. At times the waters are calm, the sun is shining and we have just the right amount of sunscreen on that we tan but don’t burn. And then other times the sky turns dark and we can’t see what way is up. The waves build and the water threatens to drown us.

I can’t see what’s in front of me
Still I will trust You
Still I will trust You

Oh, I can’t see what’s in front of me
Still I will trust You
Still I will trust You

In these moments when we can’t even see what is in front of us…will we choose to trust God?

I can tell you in the past, heck just 2 days ago even…I struggled with this! I get overwhelmed and I just can’t trust in anything. I feel the current pulling me down and I am certain that I am done.

Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on

Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on

I forget in those times that I don’t have to swim, I just have to reach for the One who will do the swimming for me. He is my steady heart…my steady hand. He is holding me through it all.

Though the sky is dark and the wind is dark.
You’ll never leave me
You’ll never leave me

Though the night is long there is a coming dawn
The light is breaking
The light is breaking

Even having the hope we do in Christ…in moments of grief, sometimes all we can see is the dark. We know death isn’t the end, but yet we have to learn how to move forward. That can be overwhelming and I am no expert in walking through grief gracefully!

It has been almost 5 years since my best friend Karlena died. I still miss her…we don’t get over loss of a loved one like that. My grandma spent 67 years of her life with my grandpa by her side. Life for her won’t ever be the same and I think that I grieve that the most for her right now.

You are faithful
You will lead me
You are faithful

You will keep me
You are faithful
You will lead me on

But God IS faithful.

He didn’t promise that this life would be easy but He did promise that He would be with us. He would lead us and comfort us, walk with us in our grief and lead us on in the days to come.

I hold fast to that promise today.

I wanted to share this song with you and pray it ministers to your heart like it did mine. It isn’t my steady heart, but His that leads me.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp80oWtnJc0[/youtube]

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Original Photo Credit: EltonHarding modified for use here.

A Man Deserving of Honor

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I knew when I heard my dad’s message that something was wrong, I could hear it in his voice. I didn’t expect to hear the news I did though. Grandpa had collapsed, he is in the ER and it doesn’t look good.

Just a few hours earlier grandpa had commented on a photo I had posted on Facebook. Can I just tell you how much I loved that my 88 year old grandpa was on Facebook?! It just didn’t seem possible that this was happening.

I went home and told the kids that we needed to pray. My Elijah was so upset. He asked if he could write a letter to his great grandpa and then he drew him a picture of the two of them together. He was worried about great grandma because she would be alone.

At 7:25pm on Monday September 21st, my grandpa Paul left this world for the arms of Jesus. His legacy remains on in his family, but we are heartbroken and shocked and hurting right now.

It still seems impossible really as I write this. Knowing that inevitably this day would come for all of us, doesn’t make it any easier. How do you possibly honor a man than has made such an impact in our lives?

I am not sure that I can do it justice, but I want to try.

Trips to Chicago City were a highlight of my childhood. While the drive was LONG, the reward at the end was going up the long driveway to the big blue house that grandpa and grandma lived in.

If it were early enough we would run down the hill to go fishing off the dock. Grandpa would go with us out into the wooded area by the boat house and help us dig for earth worms. And when we would haul the stuffed pail back up the hill, grandpa would get out his filet knife and cutting board and set up shop over the washing machine and set to work.

He was meticulous about cleaning the fish and would describe what he was doing. I remember the skill with which he took care of the fish, I have even tried to replicate it…but no one could clean fish like grandpa.

Often my siblings and I would stay for a week or more without our parents. During the work week grandpa would get up early and was all dressed up in his dress shirt and tie and walk down the driveway to meet his carpool ride. Can I just talk a minute about the ties…oh the ties he had. He had more ties than I have shoes! 🙂 In his room and even in the closet in the basement. I loved looking at all of those ties when we would visit.

In the evenings we would run down to wait for him to be dropped back off and escort him home. Grandpa always had a story to tell us about his day and we felt special to just be a part of it.

Christmas brought the tradition of opening gifts and the reading of the Christmas story. Grandpa would let us open 1 present each, in order of our age. As a young child that was torture…waiting our turn especially when grandpa’s turn came because it meant he would get out his pocket knife and carefully open the present, saving the paper for a future use. It took him a lifetime to open one gift! 🙂

And then once presents were done he would get out his bible and read us the Christmas story from Luke. Grandpa had a strong faith and while I don’t think I recognized it or appreciated it as a child…I am so grateful for that today. What I wouldn’t give right now to have a recording of him reading the Christmas story.

Grandpa was a writer and I like to think that my love of writing comes in part from him. About 3 1/2 years ago grandpa and I started communicating more and more. Through emails we kept in touch in ways that we hadn’t in the past.

I know I didn’t save all of them, but I went through them and found that I had saved over 150 different conversations. Sometimes he had encouragement to offer, other times an inspiring story and at times well thought out, detailed advice to consider following. 😉

I came across a post he had sent some of our family back in 2013. It was a story about his own father. He shared the challenges his father faced but also the unique ways that those challenges shaped his life. The blessings that came from them.

He ended the email with this…”I see the hand of God in all of this. We can never fully understand His plans for us or for our lives. Instead we must trust that He will always be with us, even during those times that give us cause to question.”

This faith, this hope, was something that was such an encouragement to Dominic and I when we started Dominic’s business. Grandpa and grandma offered their prayers and support in so many ways during that time. Grandpa believed 100% that Dominic would be successful if he just got things going.

He came to us with an offer of a loan. We typed up a promissory note and made it official. He sent emails asking about the business and had ideas for marketing and a website. He loved hearing about how things were going and was one of our biggest cheerleaders.

If I were discouraged, he would encourage me to trust God and have hope. He believed God had a plan for us and he trusted in it. He told me that he prayed for me daily. I hope that my faith life always reflects such faith and hope and a commitment to prayer for those I love.

I am grateful that grandpa and grandma were able to celebrate their 67th wedding anniversary last week. That they got to visit their church and reminisce over all God had done in their family over the years. There were pictures taken and good food enjoyed and memories made.

I don’t know why grandpa’s life had to end this way, this unexpectedly. I am heartbroken for grandma and my mom and aunts and uncle. I want to fix it, make it better and I can’t.

I want to wrap this up with some wonderful words of wisdom that will make everyone feel better…I just don’t know that I can do that. But I believe, just like grandpa did, that God is with us.

Grandpa loved his bride and his family and would want us to celebrate the fact that he is now with Jesus. His strong faith in God promised that for those who placed their trust in God as he did, death was not the end.

So I celebrate my grandpa today. I thank God for the blessing he was to so many and the light and laughter he brought into my life. And in his own words I end with this…

I see the hand of God in all of this. We can never fully understand His plans for us and for our lives. Instead we must trust that He will always be with us, even during times that give us cause to question.

My prayer for everyone in our family would be that we would feel God’s covering of peace during this time, that we would love and encourage one another and that we would celebrate the life of a man worthy of honor.

Grandpa you loved well and are loved. You will be remembered through laughter and tears and while your physical presence will be missed your impact and legacy will always remain.

Seeking God – An Invitation

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Last year I participated in the 31 days writing series in October and wrote on Finding God. I was excited that I finished the month with writing every day but honestly I didn’t think that I would do it again.

You see I have had very few words to share here lately.

I write when I am inspired..when I feel God has given me something to share. If I try and force it, well it just isn’t good. I know some authors are able to perfect their craft by just writing every day even if they aren’t inspired…I just can’t do that.

Then I took a few days to get away with a dear friend and inspiration hit. It was like my mind knew I was leaving and on the first plane ride I had a theme and using the writing prompts from the wonderful writers of the Five Minute Friday (FMF) group…I set to work.

In that weekend away I wrote 26 of the 31 posts! Crazy right?! Go God is all I can say. So next month I am excited to be sharing some stories about how I am seeking and seeing God. He has been a part of my life, even when I didn’t “feel” it. Looking back I can see how His hand has been in every moment.

But how quickly I forget. Call it pride or stubbornness, the whispers of the enemy telling me I am not worthy of God’s love. It has happened time and time again that I forget all God has done with me and through me. But He is faithful even when I doubt. In seeking Him each day I have been reminded of that truth.

It is my prayer that by sharing these stories you too will be encouraged to seek God. Look for Him, chase after Him, know Him in a new and real way. They aren’t terribly long posts, little stories written around the daily FMF word prompt and enveloping the theme of how I am seeking God.

I hope you stick with me next month and I would love to hear how you too are seeking and seeing God’s hand in your life!

Clearing Away the Cobwebs

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It all started with a chair…

We bought a “fake” leather chair for Isaac to take to college on clearance at Menards. It sat in our living room for several months until a few weeks ago when we moved him to college. It was our only recliner and there was this empty space where it once was. We talked about replacing it and when we went and looked we started talking about getting an entire new set.

My mom had said we should wait until our kids were more grown up…less chance of it getting stained/ruined. And it made sense, it really did. We asked her honest opinion and appreciated her insight.

We have had the same couch for 10+ years and it was showing a lot of wear. The cushions were sagging and stained. It wasn’t nice to look at and it wasn’t very comfortable. We had a love seat that we bought off Craigslist for $80 when we moved here and the dog ate a portion of the arm off it so I had to patch it to keep it from coming apart.

But as we looked I thought, you know why not enjoy it with the kids. Sure it will get stained, but we have loved the life out of our old couch and what if we had waited to get that? It was well used and appreciated…and if we got new furniture it would be the same.

So we bought a couch and some chairs. I guess maybe I justified it all in my mind and I honestly felt good about it. I almost wrote a post about how we should go ahead and enjoy life, even if it gets messy.

Then we went to church on Sunday and our pastor preached about this need we often have to “keep up the our neighbors.” Our need to have everything now. The new car, a phone upgrade every time it is available….he challenged us to ask ourselves what we might do instead with the money we would use for that new phone, or a newer car. Do something radical like buy meals for a needy family each week for a month.

I will be honest I left feeling a little guilty and ashamed.

And while I don’t regret our choice to get the new furniture, I do recognize that this need to have what others have is a problem for me.

When we moved to this house I loved it, it was our dream home. We moved from a very small starter home to this one that had more space than we could have dreamed of. I imagined it to be the place that our grown children and their families would return to…I joked that I would die here, never moving again I declared!

The yellow walls were inviting and a change from the all tan walls in our old home. The grey exterior seemed warmer than the stark white we had left behind.

But at some point the yellow walls in.every.room. became too much and three years ago I started repainting every room I could. First the entryway and hallway, the dining room and kitchen, bathrooms and bedrooms followed. The paint changed the space for me and I was once again content.

Then the outside color of our home started to feel too “institutional.” It was bland and blah and I wanted a change. We had a girl stop by from some painting company offering a free quote. We said yes and I started dreaming of the colors that were possible for our home.

The bid was almost $7000, and even if we had the extra cash, it was an outrageous price to have someone repaint your home…”we could do it ourselves” we thought. But the reality of finding the time/energy to get it done quickly put that idea to rest as well.

Our neighbors got a similar bid and decided to do the work themselves and last summer repainted their home. It looked amazing and I was jealous. I had high hopes that this year before graduation I might tackle the job myself.

Let’s all take a moment to really just laugh at that one ok? Ok you can stop now, I DO realize how insane that idea was.

And recently our other neighbors started getting new siding. It too looks beautiful and the ugly monster “envy” started rearing its head once again.

I called my close friend, the one you can tell your ugliest parts to and they still love you…I told her that I was SOOO jealous of my neighbors home. I wanted my house to look that nice. I wanted a new warm paint color and crisp white trim.

How quickly I go from dream house to dump.

It is a reflection of my heart really. This wanting, never being satisfied, content with all we do have. Always wishing we could have more. I can say I am grateful (and I am) but if I was really grateful, would I feel this discontented??

This morning I took a broom and started to clean up our front porch. It was littered with toys, and food wrappers, leaves and cobwebs. Oh the cobwebs. I started brushing and as I did my perspective of my porch changed.

As the cobwebs fell it took on a new life for me. Sure the paint is still chipping and the grey is still “institutional”, but it is clean and fresh again and I felt happy about it.

Sometimes we need to spend some time clearing away the cobwebs.

We need to do the hard heart work that God requires of us. We need to look at our motives and question why it is that we are making the choices we do. My pastor didn’t say we can’t have nice things, but he did say we should stop and think. Make wise choices and also be generous with others. Give back when we can and stop coveting what we don’t have.

Right now my house doesn’t look like I might dream it should. And when the yard is covered in white snow, the grey won’t feel bold enough for me. But for today I am seeing things with a fresh perspective, a new pair of glasses you might say.

No nothing has changed and it likely won’t for a long time…but I am going to be praying about being content…truly content.

I am going to stop and thank God for what I do have every time I start to covet something I don’t. It is a start. Yes the cobwebs may return…it seems they always do. But I have hope that I can once again get out my broom and work at changing my perspective. One sweep at a time.

Photo Credit: Stephen@home

A Lesson in Obedience

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God has been using my children to teach me some pretty big lessons recently and today was no different.

It was a special Sunday at church. We have had church in the park the past 2 Sundays, but this week was also baptism Sunday.

For the past 2 years we have been talking to Gabriel about getting baptized. He has accepted Jesus in his heart, he knows God sent His Son to die for his sins…but the idea of standing up in front of people and talking about that was scary for him.

We have a service like that every year…and every year Gabriel has told us that he wanted to wait one more year.

As a parent this was hard for me. I wanted him to make the choice, wanted him to walk in faith and not fear…but I also wanted it to be HIS choice…not mine.

So a few weeks ago we talked again and he said that he wanted to do it when he turned 12. So one more year wait it was.

And then this morning he came downstairs and blew me away with his words.

He said he woke up and felt like God was telling him that he needed to do it today. He didn’t need to be afraid and Gabriel asked if I thought that our pastor would let him do it even though it was short notice.

He said that he had been nervous before but he felt like God was giving him the courage to stand up.

He was choosing to demonstrate his faith instead of letting his fear hold him back.

And so we went to church and found Pastor Ray and asked if Gabriel could be baptized and he said yes. In front of a pretty large crowd of people Gabriel shared that he believed in God and wanted to be an example for his family and the church.

I couldn’t have been more proud.

I could tell he was nervous when he started talking…he said something like “God turns my good days into bad” 😉 and then realized that he mixed it up and corrected himself. But then he shared his belief in God sending Jesus to earth to die for our sins…

It is pretty amazing to hear your 11 year old articulate the basic fundamentals of the Christian faith.

And so with his profession of faith he was baptized.

Dominic helped and I took pictures and a video.

The water was cold and it is a little shocking to the body to go down under the water and come back up. There is a big breath that everyone takes upon rising again.

A breath of new life.

Hope is found in faith in Jesus.

We will continue to mess up and make mistakes.

Just because we believe in God it doesn’t mean we won’t have problems, or mess up and say the wrong thing…that is why we need the gift of grace.

But we have the promise of new life, new breath because of our faith. An opportunity to breathe deeply and fully in the One who created us.

Today my brave son felt a calling from God to be obedient.

He later told me that he didn’t think it was going to happen today…but after this morning he knew he needed to do it and he was glad he did.

Our family didn’t get to attend because we weren’t prepared in advance that this would occur today…but it is ok.

It was a beautiful, sweet moment with our 2nd born, and thanks to the technology of phones and You Tube we can share those precious moments with others.

And like our pastor said…it is a day we will remember forever.

If you would like to watch the video I am including it here at the bottom of the post. For email subscribers click here to watch.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcK839A-kA0&feature=em-upload_owner[/youtube]

The Revealing – a GSD Post

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Oh friends what a journey I have been on this year. I have said it before but please DO NOT chose the word DEPEND as your One Word if you don’t want a year full of stretching! 😉

I feel like I have been on a bit of a roller coaster lately, but you know it is ok. I do know that God is working out some beauty in all of this and am trusting that He will be the One on which I can depend through it all.

He is faithful. He is steady.

When I am not, I can trust that He is.

I discovered this even more when I was on a family vacation in early June and I am sharing some of the newest things God has been revealing to me about myself over at God-sized Dreams today. Will you join me there?!

The Spoon

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A few weeks ago I picked Karlena up from daycare and as we were driving home I noticed that she had a toy in her hand. When I asked her what it was she tried to hide it behind her back.

A pretty clear sign to me that she had taken something that wasn’t hers.

When we got home I told her to show me what she had. It was a small toy horse. She LOVES horses right now and it was obviously something she didn’t already have at home. But I knew it wasn’t hers.

She reluctantly admitted to me that it was Markel’s. When I asked her how she got it outside without either of us seeing it she said she hid it in her shorts! In the waist band to be exact! Can you even believe that?!

We had a long conversation about taking things that aren’t ours and the next morning we brought it back to daycare and she told Markel the truth and apologized for taking something she shouldn’t have.

This isn’t the first time that one of my kids have done something like this. Last year it was Elijah and some shiny treasures from preschool. I might have cause to be worried but the reality is don’t we all covet what we don’t have?

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I don’t remember how old I was but I do remember the tea set.

We lived on a hill and there was a family that lived down the hill from us that had 2 girls just a few years younger than me. Sarah and I became friends and often played together. Her dad also had a red corvette and every once and awhile he would take us out in the “cool car” to McDonalds for an ice cream cone. That was always such a treat!

At some point Sarah got a brand new, huge white tea set for a birthday or Christmas present.

Oh how I wanted that tea set. I loved playing with it and wanted to have one at my house. But I didn’t. It wasn’t enough that Sarah was generous in sharing it with me during our play time…no I needed to have one myself.

And when I couldn’t have it, I didn’t want her to have one either.

Why is it that we do that?

When someone has something nice/fun/new why do we feel jealousy, why do we covet what they have? Why can’t we be genuinely happy for others and their blessings?!

I didn’t want Sarah to have something so wonderful, so one day when we were playing I stole a tea spoon. I hid it in my pocket and took it home with me. Stuffed under pairs of socks, it sat like a dirty little secret in my drawer.

It isn’t much fun to play with one spoon.

It really isn’t fun to play with one spoon that is a constant reminder of stealing…of a lie. I would take out that spoon and feel guilty. I knew that I should give it back. That Sarah wanted her full tea set together….that it wasn’t mine and I didn’t have any right to take it.

I honestly can’t remember if I returned the spoon or not. I hope that I did.

I have a feeling that I would have been the only likely “suspect” and maybe the truth came out…but if I didn’t, I want to apologize Sarah for taking that spoon!

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I was thinking about that story this morning as I was laying in bed. I am not sure what brought it to mind really but I find that as memories like this happen, I process them best at the keyboard.

I have been pretty silent here lately. There are some things that I do plan on writing about, but I am still working through them. Some ugly, icky parts of myself, and my past that God is healing and restoring.

It isn’t fun. Let’s be honest I am the type of person that would really like to skate around the difficult. I don’t like wading through the muck of my life. I want a quick fix to any and all faults/problems and I am finding again and again that God isn’t going to give me restoration on my time.

I am learning to savor the journey even if it means it is a slow, arduous process. (<====Click to Tweet)

If the end result is freedom from the things that are bondage in my life…well it is worth it.

One of the things that I want to find freedom in is this need to want what I don’t have.

It has been with me since I was young and started with the smallest of items, a tea spoon. It grew as I aged and became jealous of friends that had better, name brand clothes than I did. Maybe someone was smarter or prettier than I was. The cheerleader and the homecoming queen….I was never “enough”

As a wife and a mother I see all that you can do, and feel inadequate in my own family. I start to wish that I could go on the trips, or have the super romantic relationship with my husband that I see in other couples. Or the most well behaved children in church. 😉

It is never enough. What I have is just never enough. But the reality is that it IS enough.

I have more than I could ever hope or imagine. SO many blessings in my life. No it isn’t always easy…but they are blessings none the less.

And I don’t want to paint a picture of someone that I am not.

I don’t have it all together. My children will mess up, but heck so do I – ALL.THE.TIME! I am not the perfect women/mother/spouse and it is ok! Thank God for grace.

A part of this walking into freedom is recognizing that I am who God made me. Yes there are flaws and imperfections but there are beautiful things too.

I don’t know if jealousy or envy is something you have struggled with, but if it is you are not alone! Let’s do something together and stop comparing, stop coveting, and start giving thanks for the very place that God has each of us.

It is going to look different for you than it is me. Let’s embrace the difference, there is beauty in that! And let’s start walking out of bondage and into freedom.

One spoon at a time.

Photo Credit: partycja

What a Zip Line Taught Me About Fear

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We just got back from a week in the Black Hills of South Dakota. It is our third year vacationing there and we rented a cabin in Lead. The cabin was at the top of a mountain and it took 9 minutes and 38 seconds to get up or down the road.

It was kind of a treacherous road as well..I will have more on that at a later time. It was long and bumpy but lead to a beautiful cabin and view. We were remote in many ways…including that we didn’t have wifi. It was a true vacation and such a good week.

One of the days it was rainy and Dominic and I took Isaac, his friend Zach and cousin Casey to go through Rushmore Cave in Keystone. The little kids didn’t want to go so they stayed at the cabin for a “rest” day with the grandparents.

The cave was fun…beautiful really, and for the most part, the journey through was manageable. There were a couple of interesting spots where you had to watch your step, but overall it felt safe.

Then we headed to this 7-D theater experience where I was in last place for shooting zombies. This didn’t come as a shock to me as I was with 4 boys! 😉

The final part of our time there was supposed to be a zip-line ride. We headed up the hill and Dominic and I got on first. As soon as I was in the seat and my feet were dangling, I started to get second thoughts.

It wasn’t a terrible drop, but I am not one who loves the thrill of my stomach dropping in rides. I don’t like roller coasters and other rides like that. Panic waved over me and I said that I wanted to get off.

I know that Dominic was disappointed in me…he had just wanted to ride together. But, as in so many situations, when I feel fear, I want to run.

I didn’t think about praying, didn’t consider pushing through. I just got scared and I got off the ride.

Looking back this is so indicative of my faith life.

I can be happy go lucky if things are safe and going well…but the minute it becomes a little dangerous, or unknown, I bail.

As much as I feel I have grown this past 6 months in my dependence of God, this experience felt like a huge step back. I could have asked God to calm my spirit, could have just had courage to stand up to my fear, but I didn’t.

And it has bothered me ever since.

I don’t want to be ruled by fear, limited in what I can or will do because I am so afraid of the “what ifs.” I think for me, right now, this fear is coming from the reality that we will be sending Isaac off to school in a few months.

We visited the school again while we were there…I have some concerns, less about Isaac and more about what the environment will be like those first few weeks/months. Let’s just say the freshman all get to wear a ugly green beenie hat for like 2 months or more (no one we have ever asked will admit to the actual length of time….all the students “can’t remember”) AND while wearing the hat they can (and will) be forced to stop, get on their knees and sing a “I love my beenie hat song” at the whim of any upper classman.

That along with the parties and alcohol etc., that will be available (and it sounds like all freshman get ~~forced~~ pulled into those first few weeks)…I am suddenly entering this place of being unable to control what happens to Isaac and what the outcome may be.

Not like I ever had any control right? Maybe the illusion of control when he lives upstairs…but 7 hours away with a bunch of students who try and humiliate and pressure my first born. Ugh, this mama heart almost can’t handle it!

I am on that ride again and I just want off.

I told Isaac that I thought he needed to stay home another year before going off to school 😉 …I just need more time you know?! Time to make sure he is prepared for the real world, to make sure he can melt chocolate without scorching it (inside joke)….I haven’t possibly done enough.

And as I type these words I realize…like literally right this moment, I can see that I am so darn afraid that I haven’t been a good enough parent.

I should have been stronger, prayed over him more, encouraged him and prepared him, told him I loved him and hugged him more. I suddenly feel like a failure. He is going off to experience one of his biggest life changes yet and I want it to be good.

I want to be able to wrap an imaginary swath of bubble wrap around him so that he doesn’t have to experience hurt and failure and disappointment. I want everything to be roses and the reality is that it probably won’t be.

And as much as I know that he needs to go through these life lessons, just like I did. Oh how I want it to be easier!

As a first time mama going through this, I am not sure how you survive?! I know that you do…I have seen others go before me. My own mom survived me and that was a feat in itself! ha!

I am at that moment where my feet are dangling and I know that it is going to be scary but I have to be able to trust that God has my son just like He always has me.

I have to let go.

I have to trust that God is with Him.

I have to trust that Isaac will go through what he needs to, and that his life experiences will hopefully draw him closer to God as well. He is a great kid and I just want amazing things for his life.

Will there be unknown? I am certain of it.

I am also certain that God loves Isaac even more than I do, and that He will be with him every step of the way.

Fear doesn’t have to control me. I can learn to let go and trust God. (<====Click to Tweet)

It probably won’t be a pretty journey on my part…but it is a step forward in the right direction!

If you want to see the lamo ride that I chickened out of you can check out the video below (or here if you are reading in an email) 🙂

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MR8mCuQzmY[/youtube]

#ReadItPrayIt

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It is a joy for me to share with you a guest post today and a fun product that I know you will love! I met Kimberly through blogging and in person this past October at Allume! She has such a sweet heart for God’s Word and she has designed a product that is available on Etsy and it is the perfect way to dive into scripture even more! Thanks so much for being here Kimberly!

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Over the last few years, my little ones and I have been discovering the Word of God together. It started when my kids were young and I realized they had the ability to memorize Bible verses. As they got a bit older, I began to incorporate the scriptures we were learning into the prayers.

To help us along I created a set of 3×5 cards. On the front of the card it says “Read It”. That’s where the memory verse is printed. On the back of the card it say “Pray It”. There you’ll find the verse turned into a prayer. The topics cover such things like God’s protection (to prevent fear), courage (to make new friends at school), and thankfulness (to help them appreciate what they have).

We don’t just use these cards for scripture memorization. Here are a handful of other ways we’ve used them:

As a mini devotional. We read the Bible verse on the front of the card. Sometimes we look it up in another translation or read about it in a commentary to get a better sense of the context in which it was written. Then we talk about what the verse means. Once we are done, we close our time with the prayer that’s on the back of the card.

On the go as a pick me up. My kids like to keep a set in the their backpack or on hand in their room. They can go straight to the scripture that speaks to their situation, find encouragement, and pray. I like to keep a set in my purse or in my car. When I have a moment to spare, I pull them out, read them, meditate on them, and pray.

As prayers at bedtime. The cards guide us to pray about different topics each evening so that our prayers don’t become as predictable as our bedtime routine. Praying the many promises God has set out in His word acquaints us with who He is and what He desires to do in our life.

It’s been so amazing to see the spiritual growth of my children over the years and it is all because the Word of God has been planted in their heart through scripture memorization and prayer.

The cards I mentioned above are free to download on my blog, however, if you prefer the convenience of receiving these cards professionally printed, trimmed, and delivered to your mailbox, you can purchase them in my Etsy shop. Choose from a variety of topics or purchase the Starter Set that includes all 48 cards shared on my site.

In my shop you will also find NEW scripture cards available in 3 month, 6 month, and 1 Year subscriptions. They are available in the form of a digital download or printed product. The first set ships in August.

Kimberly Amici is a writer, designer, and community builder whose desire is for hearts to be healed, minds to be renewed, and women to be connected in fellowship just as God intended. She is known for her creativity, strong faith, and commitment to living life with purpose and passion. She is the co-founder and managing editor at Circles of Faith and a writer at Faith Gateway. She also blogs at Living in the Sweet Spot. Kimberly lives with her husband Carl and their three children in the NYC suburbs.

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