Category Archives: Being real

Building Spiritual Muscles

I am a girl with lots of ideas. I love home improvement projects and changing a space with paint. But at times I have terrible follow through. I start something and then get really close to finishing it and stop.

This is evident most in my recent toy room re-do. I have everything done, except painting 2 long shelves that hang on the wall. I can’t hang my pictures until I hang my shelves. I need to get those darn shelves painted already.

I have avoided it for the past 4-5 weekends. I know if I just set out to do it…I would get it done and I’d be so happy with the results. I really have no excuse except that I am lazy at times!

The same goes for exercise.

I am not one of those people who LOVES exercise. I despise it in fact, it hurts during and after and I don’t get the results I want overnight…so I commit for a day or 2 and then quit.

This seems to be my “MO”.

And committing my time to God has suffered the same results, until recently.

Last fall I was asked to participate in a 40 Day Prayer Challenge with a group of other women. We read/listened to Mark Batterson’s devotional and committed to praying for 40 days. Knowing my track record, I didn’t think I would make it past day 5…but I wanted to spend more time getting to know about God and felt this was a great way to start.

To my surprise, I went through the entire 40 days and didn’t miss one! I journaled every morning and committed to praying for our son who is a senior. He has some big life choices ahead and I wanted to cover him in prayer.

This 40 days was life changing for me. I had started to develop a spiritual discipline and was working my “muscles” every day. It felt good. I was listening for God, seeking His path and documenting all the ways He was answering my prayers.

But I wanted to take it further. I knew that if I wanted to see and understand who God was, I needed to get into His Word.

My husband bought me (after much hinting) a journaling Bible for Christmas.

This too has transformed my time in the Word. Feeling free to write, underline and highlight my way through His promises has created a desire for more. (<===Click to Tweet)

Each morning I get up an hour before I need to take a shower. It is early and I am so tired, but it is important. I start with the prompts from She Reads Truth, then join in my Hello Mornings online group and recently have been going back through the Circle Maker as a walk through Lent.

I will be honest, I have missed a few mornings. But this time in God’s Word has become a lifeline to me.

I tend to get a little squirrely when I am not spending at least 15 minutes each morning in some form of quiet time. I can tell a difference when I choose to sleep in. I am more snappy and less patient.

As I continue to develop this routine I am building those spiritual muscles. I am more confident in God’s love for me. The past month has be TOUGH personally. I am ~~working~~ struggling through some things that typically would bring me to a point of hopelessness and defeat. But as I have committed time to God, He has committed His promises to my mind.

Those promises remind me of who I am through Him.

He is my strength and strong tower.

He upholds me with His right hand.

He has a plan and a purpose for my life.

He told me there would be trouble, but to have heart because He has overcome the world.

With each new day I am reminded time and time again why I need to hold onto hope. And we all need a little of that don’t we?!

It can be hard to get into the routine, but I promise you when you do you will be filled with blessings overflowing!

What has been your roadblock to more time with God?

Joining my friends over at the High Calling.

Backup Singer, Comedic Relief and Why Dying to Oneself is So Hard

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I have always loved to sing.

In the most difficult times of my life, singing praise and worship songs, belting them out in my car as my cry to God, were my lifeline.

When I didn’t feel able to praise God in spite of my circumstances with my own words, the lyrics to my favorite praise songs did that for me.

I haven’t ever taken lessons, and in junior high I was always jealous of those girls that were a part of the jazz or swing groups. The would sing and perform on stage and had such confidence.

I tried out for concert choir in high school and while I felt like I botched the audition, I made the group and I loved that time learning and singing.

When we moved to Marshall almost 4 years ago we found a church that we loved right away. I remember seeing the worship team lead and wished I could be a part of it…half hoping that someone would hear me singing and tell someone that I needed to be up on stage.

It all happened a little differently than the magical way I had dreamed of, but about a year and 1/2 ago I started singing on our worship team.

It terrified me.

I am not kidding, like all out body shaking, voice quivering, terrified.

Don’t get my wrong, I equally loved it at the same time too, but it was all I could do to not run off the stage on the Sunday’s that I helped the team.

We have some really great, strong singers on our team and as we practiced my confidence grew a little. I started learning how to hear and sing harmony on some songs (which has completely wrecked my ability to NOT sing harmony on most songs I hear on the radio) 😉 But the one thing that terrified me more than anything was the possibility of leading.

As the person leading the song, you have to know when to start, when to come in, you need to sing strong and know all the notes…you are leading and the rest of the group depends on you.

So clearly my scardy-cat self was not prepared for a job like that.

You see I joke that I was hired for background vocals and comedic relief. Now of course we are all volunteers and don’t get paid…but if we did that is what I would be paid for. I would not be paid to lead. At least not in my mind.

And then this week I was asked to lead. Sometimes leading means everyone on the team sings with you, and as the lead your mic is just turned up a little louder than the rest. Other times when you lead it means that you sing a solo for a time before others join you.

The latter option is horrifying to me. Horrifying.

And so, of course, THAT was the option for me this week.

I didn’t feel confident and the song felt to high. Do I try and sing it strong with the risk of straining my voice, or do I revert to the falsetto high voice that I need to reach those notes that are waaaay up there?

Switching between the 2 wasn’t coming smoothly. I practiced throughout the week. I listened to the notes on CCLI, and I begged God that He would impress on the team that someone else was better equipped for the job.

Clearly I struggle with a few self-confidence issues.

And here is the deal. I KNOW that I sing because God gave me a voice, and I do it for Him. But the voice in my head tells me that if I don’t have it perfect, then I will be a distraction to those trying to worship.

If I can’t sound like Natalie Grant or Kari Jobe…then I shouldn’t be leading.

Dominic told me to sing loud and proud. But as we approached the song in practice yesterday morning I just knew that I couldn’t do it. I tried and it sounded awful, there may have been a few tears too…I was so mad that the whole thing was such a struggle for me.

It is embarrassing to feel that emotional about singing a verse and a chorus by myself. Our team is amazing, and they came in early and sang the chorus with me…and one of the WT leaders talked to me before the service started.

This too is like labor. A process we must go through, and in the end there is a reward. We get to honor God with our voices – even if they aren’t perfect.

Because it isn’t about me. And yes I KNOW that…but boy the physical reactions that I feel in that situation say otherwise.

And I am not there yet. She said that this too is a process of dying to oneself. Of getting to that place where we are leading in worship, unashamed. I can’t and won’t get it perfectly. I am not Natalie Grant or Kari Job, and the people at my church don’t expect me to be.

They all give me grace but I am unwilling and unable to give it to myself.

And she also said that my perception of the situation and the reality may just not be the same. (Who knew?! 😉 )Which is unfortunately the case in so many areas of my life. If I really sounded as terrible as I felt I did, they wouldn’t have me up there.

So this is a process that I am going to have to walk through. I will be honest it would be easier to just ask to never lead a song again, or to quit. Because it is my nature to flee from things that are difficult like this.

But God doesn’t want us to run from the difficult. He calls us to walk through those things, and promises that He is with us.

I don’t know when I will get over the fear. But I know that I want to honor God with the voice that He gave me…so regardless of how I feel on the inside, I will choose to keep trying, and will trust that He will refine this area in my life as well.

What do you struggle with that God is calling you to walk through? I would love to pray over you this week!

Photo Credit: Marcin Wichary

How I Got My Hope Back

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We are studying Colossians in our Hello Morning study right now and the question today asked how did the text talk about instructions for walking with Christ daily. Our leader shared that there is a woman in her church who is struggling to get pregnant and has lost hope in that dream being fulfilled.

There is a darkness that seeps into the empty spaces when hope is lost. (<====Click to Tweet)

I have been there.

I lived years in a struggle of trying to find and keep my hope. Years where my husband and I walked apart from God. Stubborn and selfish and sure that we could “handle it”….we stumbled along life, limped is more like it.

I cried out to God in those times that I felt completely alone. Where was He? I wanted Him to fix my problems, make it all better…but He didn’t, and I was angry.

When life started to change for us, when we recognized the need for a Savior in our lives, I started to feel that hope returning. Maybe this time things would be different.

We started going to church, we were baptized and rededicated our faith. We said prayers together as a family in the morning and shared our faith with others. We were doing all the “right” things.

As things started to change we talked about trying to have another baby. We had struggled with getting pregnant with Gabriel, but now…it should be easy. We were doing what God wanted. We were on His path so surely He would “reward” us.

And for 18 months we tried, and each month the hope that I had in the goodness of God faded a little.

You see I walked through those times believing that because we were finally making Godly choices, that somehow we deserved all the good stuff. Alll that God had to give us. I deserved it after all those years of struggle, didn’t I?

And then one morning, 2 faint pink lines.

Finally! I rejoiced in the goodness of God and my hope in Him swelled.

God is good when He allows good things to happen….

And then one morning the cramping came and I knew. I fell to the ground that day in my bathroom and begged God to stop what had already started. I believed with everything in me that He could save this baby if He wanted. You can do this God – I will proclaim Your goodness if you do. Please God.

But it didn’t stop…and in those moments my hope was once again gone.

How could God allow bad things to happen to “good” people?

It was a question that I wrestled with for 6 months.

Honestly friends, it is a question that I still wrestle with…bad things happen to good people ALL.THE.TIME.

But I was lucky because I had some faithful people that surrounded me during this dark season of my life. Women that knew the Lord and openly shared their faith with me.

They prayed for me. They told me that God could handle my anger and my questions. They shared their own stories of loss and frustration, and then they shared the hope that they had in Jesus.

It didn’t come overnight.

I wasn’t sure it would ever return. I seemed surrounded with people pregnant with life, while I felt a barrenness in my own. I wanted what I didn’t have and I wouldn’t allow myself to celebrate with those who did.

I saw a counselor and she encouraged me to write a letter to the baby we had lost.

Looking back on it, it was one of the first things that led me back to writing in 2008. And so I penned the words I had for that child. The child we had prayed for and loved from the first moment we knew they were ours. I cried ugly tears through the process but found healing. I had written my love letter and I wanted to hope again.

And one day I found the blog of a woman walking on her own dark path.

And yet she had a faith that was strong and sure.

“Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday…”

As I read her words I felt my faith changing. I wish I could say that it came back because of my reading the Bible, or my prayer…but it didn’t.

I needed to see the faith of another, played out in real life in front of me, to believe again.

And that is exactly why I write today.

If I can share my testimony, a piece of my story and bring hope to even one person…it is worth it.

Angie did that for me…she walked the hard road with faith and my life was changed because of it.

Life isn’t going to be easy. Even when we are doing all the right things. I know that now, but today I hold onto the hope that it is all for God’s glory. That our messes and weaknesses and then our subsequent muddling through them might someday offer another hope.

I don’t do it perfectly, but I don’t have to.

Today I read my Bible in the hopes of knowing more of who God is. I know that difficult times could be just around the corner. I know that I am not promised tomorrow so I try and live today fully aware of His grace and mercy in my life.

I have so much to hope for, even when life is tough. (<====Click to Tweet) And I am called to share the peace that I have found in depending on God through it all.

So I write on. And I hope. For you and for me I hope. And for each woman out there that is at the end, on that cliff…feeling like all is lost and God has abandoned them…I am praying for you.

God can handle your questions, your anger and your fears. And He won’t abandon you just because your faith isn’t strong right now!

No in hindsight, I can now see where in those weakest of moments, He was carrying me…and He is doing the same for you.

Today I have confidence that He will return your hope back to you as He did for me. Hold on sweet friend, it is coming….

More than anything, I want them to see You

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I am less than a week from turning 40. The BIG 4-0. And I am surprisingly ok with it all.

I wasn’t really dreading 40, I feel better about who I am and where I am, than I probably ever have. 40 isn’t something to fear or dread. It is just another year right?! And I am surrounded by some of the best family and friends a girl can have, so I am really just overwhelmed with blessings.

I have spent more years than I can count, and really that I would like to admit, worrying about trying to be the perfect person.

As far back as I can remember, I wanted what I didn’t have. I wanted the Strawberry Shortcake dolls that the girl down the street had, or the cute red Esprit jeans with the white hearts on them. (Oh how I coveted those pants and don’t even get me started on the matching heart sweater!!) Maybe it was the name brand jeans or a place on the cheerleading squad…there was always something missing.

I found myself wanting, lacking, and it wasn’t a place that I wanted to be.

So I studied hard so I would be the smart one and do something amazing with my life. Then I went off to college and couldn’t hack the career that I was certain was for me. And once again I knew that when someone looked at me, they just saw someone who was lacking.

For a perfectionist like myself, this is a terrible place to be. Because when you looked at me I wanted you to see beauty and grace and maybe the least bit of fashion sense.

But I was certain that what you saw was the opposite.

Have you ever found yourself there, on the merry-go-round of striving to be something, someone better than you feel you are? (<====Click To Tweet)

And yet it seems that no matter how hard you try, you come up short.

The past few years have been growing ones for me.

Yes I may have added a few pounds towards my waistline, ahem 😉 that comes with the aging I am told but I am not talking about that today. No, even more than that I am discovering who I am. What I love and where my passions are. I have reconnected with my love of writing and that alone has brought me so many gifts.

This refinement process hasn’t always been easy either. Dominic and I are learning how to work well with one another in our business, as we also try to manage a reasonable balance between work and home life. We have big kids, and middle kids and little kids…and raising them isn’t always a cake walk.

I yell too much, and get frustrated about little messes. I often forget to take time to count my blessings.

But despite all of that, all of my shortcomings, I am filled with the overwhelming peace that God will use it all for His glory. (<====Click to Tweet)

I have seen Him do it in my life already. How He took all the messy and the ugly parts of me and healed them and then gave me a story to share. He gave me a heart for others, for loving them and sharing the hope that is found in Him.

I don’t head into the Big 4-0 wanting you to see me and how put together I am or what a wonderful wife and mother I am.

More than anything, I hope that when you look at me you see Him.

You see a woman who loves Jesus. A woman who is admittedly a hot mess most days, but even on the worst of them can see the potential for God to use it for good.

Yes Lord, it is my prayer for year 40 and beyond…as long as you have planned for me here, that when people see me, they see You in me. Fashion or no, good hair days and bad, muffin tops and veiny legs….none of it perfect Lord, but through You I have the faith that I will be perfected for Your glory.

And that is all that matters.

Photo Credit: Great Beyond

2014 – A Review

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Our family just spent a week up in a “cabin”…which in this case is code for very large home on a lake with its own theatre room which was ridiculous…except for a few of the bathrooms that only provided cold showers, we were surrounded in luxury. It was nice to get away from the “normal” and spend time with my extended family.

My dad commented that most years we get about 4 hours together at Christmas, and this year we had several days. It was a treat and a blessing that God provided for us. Yes, God has really provided for us this year. It hasn’t come without hard work, long hours and sacrifices…but He has been good.

I have been thinking a lot about the past year and what I thought 2014 was going to bring. In some ways I can’t believe that it is over and in others 2015 can’t come fast enough.

One of the biggest and continued blessings of 2014 has been the community of women that God has surrounded me with. Women that support and encourage me. Women that pray over me and love without judgement. These women in my tribe are the greatest gift I could have ever received this year. While community wasn’t what I was seeking when I started this God-sized Dream journey 2 years ago, it has been better than I could have hoped or imagined.

At the beginning of 2014, with wobbly and knocking knees, I shared my hopes to be called to the platform and speak. It terrifies me even still because even thinking about it makes me want to throw up a little, but still it is a calling that I feel. And while 2014 brought only 2 opportunities, one for my husband and I together at church and another at a local MOPS group early in December, both were an honor to be a part of.

I think starting the year, sharing that dream, I thought that maybe there would be something “bigger”…but I was reminded recently when listening to my 40 Day Prayer Challenge devotional by Mark Batterson, that I don’t have to influence thousands….maybe God calls me to be an influence to 1 who then goes on to influence thousands. Each is important. And so while my dream to speak didn’t end up looking like I had hoped, it was a blessing to be given an opportunity to share my story at all.

Because our stories matter, don’t they?! Our hurts and our hopes, they need to be shared. I have said before that I started blogging because of one woman who was brave enough to share the difficult…and her testimony and faith were what got me through a very dark time in my own life.

If you feel called to share your story, do it! We may not get a book deal, or a viral post….but our words may touch the heart of another who is hurting and THAT my friends is what makes it worth it!

At the beginning of the year I also felt challenged to find balance for my home, work and family. I felt like God wanted that for me and so I made it my word for 2014. And can I just say that challenge was a FAIL. Like a BIG TIME FAIL.

I think I walked away from 2014 with less balance than I started! 😉 So if you feel the same don’t feel discouraged! I am reminded once again that this road we are on is one of progress, not perfection. It is easy to look back at our year and feel like we have missed the mark. But I don’t want to end this year focusing on all the things that I didn’t get done, or I didn’t do well. Because intermixed in those failures are so so many blessings. And that is what I want to remember!

There has been growth in ways I hadn’t expected. Approximately 3 months ago I started my first 40 Day Prayer Challenge. I wasn’t sure what I expected, and with my track record of starting but not finishing so many other things….I didn’t hold high expectations for me on this. But yesterday I finished my 2nd 40 day challenge!

I have journaled through the process and while some of the prayers are yet to be answered, I have seen God moving and I can’t wait to keep going. I even got a new Prayer Circle Journal from my dear friend Delonna and it will be the perfect way to start praying through 2015!

Yes God has been moving.

So I leave 2014 filled with gratitude. No it didn’t always work out like I had hoped or imagined, but each step was a learning experience, an opportunity to grow, and for all of those things I am thankful.

And 2015? I thought I had a word to start the new year and now I feel like God has given me a different word. Because of course, and a little thank you to Christine who spoke life and truth to me this morning that helped in that revelation! I will share more about that tomorrow though.

Until then, can I just end this by saying thank you. Thank you for walking with me here, For encouraging me, believing in me. For each uplifting comment, and those who shared my writing. I know that many of us haven’t met in real life, but I count you all friends. You make this journey worth it! Happy New Year friends!

Today I am joining my friends over at God-sized Dreams linking up our dreaming stories from 2014! And Kristin Hill Taylor’s Three Word Wednesday!

Exhaustion, Influenza, Christmas and More

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I realize I have been pretty quiet here lately. It is hard for me to believe that I had the capacity to write every day for 31 days in October. I posted 9 times in November and only 3 times this month. I think God knew that I could handle it in October, because clearly the remainder of 2014 was going to be an all out war.

To lay it out there honestly, I am EXHAUSTED.

Pretty much everything life is throwing at me right now is too much, and most of that is self imposed I know. Some of it was unplanned and those things have hit me the hardest.

I have lit the candles on my advent wreath twice. There I said it. Day 2 and I think day 6. We read a smidgen of the book I had all perfectly laid out and the pages haven’t cracked since. Sure looks pretty but it is all show. Plain and simple I have failed having a spirit of Advent in our home this season.

Our Christmas Angel has moved each day, but typically not at 9:30pm when my reminder alarm is set because Karlena is ALWAYS still awake…so I forget and scramble at 5:30am instead. One of the days I am going to get caught.

Last week Elijah was sick and out for 4 days, poor kid didn’t have his spunk….except for the day he was at home with me when our daycare was closed, the day after my surgery, when I should have been resting but he and Karlena fought and screamed so badly that I may have lost my temper at them that my screaming caused me to double over in pain.

Yes THAT was a proud moment…the moment when you tell your kids that LITERALLY they are going to make their mama explode if they don’t stop fighting.

Heading right on into our weekend was Karlena’s first dance recital…where I stressed over getting the perfect ballet bun. We tried a couple of times and figured it out thanks to You Tube.

She was adorable and while she doesn’t seem to be a natural quite yet, she looked beautiful in her costume and fulfilled my mama’s dream of having a dance daughter.

I have not wrapped a single Christmas present. NOT A ONE. My kids keep asking me to please wrap presents, but first I would have to box everything up into unidentifiable containers so that I can wrap in front of them, or with them as they would prefer….but this mama is EXHAUSTED. Did I mention that?

Oh and yesterday I went to see a Dr. because I was feeling like I wanted to die, and was told I likely have Influenza. (They don’t even bother testing when you have all the symptoms) Because OF COURSE. So go home and rest mama, and oh too bad so sad the pharmacies in town are all out of the meds to treat it. 🙁 I cried a little and crawled in bed. I posted an updated to FB and someone I know, who will remain nameless, contacted me because they had just had Influenza and had extra meds…because the week before the pharms were packed full of meds and they were filling scripts for the entire family. And one of the peeps in their family didn’t use/need the meds they bought. This may be some black market/illegial stuff going on but I was desperate.

But Praise Jesus – I mean seriously PRAISE JESUS. These meds were a LIFE SAVER. I told my mom I feel 800 thousand times better today. Not great, but I am not whimpering in a corner either. Life is looking up.

Christmas is ONE WEEK away, and did I mention that I have NOTHING wrapped? Oh, sorry I am still a little foggy here…I am going to just go with it. We may just celebrate Christmas up in Isaac’s closet….where all the presents are “hidden”…and I use the term “hidden” loosely, but since most of my children are too young to know I blog, they won’t read this soon enough to know to go and peek. Mom for the win.

Some day I will post my award winning, best ever stuffing cups recipe. Some day I will maybe even share my family Christmas letter…but for today I am hanging on by a thread, guilty over all the time away from the office I have spent in the last week…stressed over all there is to do in ONE WEEK, one week people! Agh!!

So may your days be Merry and Bright…around these parts I am just hoping for a little less insane! <3

When Anger is My Expected Response

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Last week I shared a little bit about my struggle with anger. Of course when I open up and share the ugly and my hopes to overcome the struggle…I have to anticipate that I will be given plenty of opportunities to “practice” a different response.

This past week I have had some failures and some successes. For a bit of light today, I want to share a success and why it was a reminder once again that my attitude and response to my kids can make such an impact.

On Wednesday last week, Dominic and I took Isaac back up to SDSU for a college visit. Becky (Dominic’s mom) was in Marshall and picked up the kids from school for us because we weren’t going to be back in time.

Usually the after-school pick up is the time that I have with just me and Gabriel to ask how his day was. Depending on the day he usually has a good, or a bad point to share. 🙂 It is less than 10 minutes really that we have together, but it has become an important time for both of us.

We got home from the college visit right before it was time for Gabriel to go to Awana. So he and I jumped in the car and drove the 15 miles to our church.

I took the time to ask Gabriel about his day and he paused, sighed really big, and said that he just had to tell me the truth about something. He seemed stressed, so I told him to please go ahead.

He said that he lost his folder. His main folder that holds his homework, contains his reading log…it is kind of a big deal. He was unable to participate in math class because he didn’t have his homework…and he feared telling me because he anticipated that I would be angry.

You see when anger is my first response, I teach my kids that anger should be the expected response. (<====Click to Tweet)

When Gabriel told me about his folder, I honestly wasn’t angry about it…but he was afraid that I was going to be. He said that he didn’t want to tell me, but he remembered once when I told him that I would rather know the truth and deal with a situation right away, then not be told the truth.

I said that I was sorry he had lost it, that it had caused stress during his afternoon. I asked if he wanted to pray about it and he did. We prayed over his finding his folder. We prayed a prayer of thanks that God forgives, and I reminded him that we all make mistakes. I said that he could learn from this and work a little harder about checking to make sure he had everything he needed when he left his classroom.

After it was all said and done he thanked me.

It honestly broke my heart, but he thanked me for being comforting and not getting angry.

You see he has experienced me being angry at him enough, that when my response is one of compassion, he thanked me.

It was a reminder why this journey is such an important one.

I want my automatic response to be one of compassion, not anger. (<====Click to Tweet)

Yes we will all make mistakes, and while there are consequences, my attitude doesn’t have to make the consequence worse.

Such a stronger reminder to me that my response can have such an impact.

And the next day Gabriel found his folder in his block 2 class. Praise God.

Lord, I thank you for giving me opportunities to “practice” at being a better responder. My prayer is that my response will not be one of anger, but of compassion and patience. May my life be a reflection of all the patience and compassion that You have shown to me. In Jesus Name, Amen

In Beginning to See

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I have been silent again here recently and it hasn’t been because of a lack of words, but rather a lack of sight.

I had intended to share this “news” after all of the healing had taken place, I guess to be honest I didn’t want any judgement about it and was afraid if I shared my reality that I might get some of that.

But I am beginning to see that God doesn’t and hasn’t called me to share the perfect here.

As much as I would rather do that…I am seeing that the times when I grow the most, learn the most about myself and my trust in God, is in the messy times. And I have been in the thick of it this past week.

Last Thursday September 4th, I had eye surgery. PRK to be exact. I plan on blogging more specifically about that experience because as I approached this surgery I did a lot of research and had a hard time finding quality/reliable information. But that isn’t for today.

What I feel God is asking me to share instead is the heart journey I have taken.

But let me back up just a bit. My husband and I both started researching Lasik surgery several months ago. As is the case for most things, much of what you find when you google these surgeries is negative. We had initial consultations and discovered that Dominic was eligible for the Lasik surgery, but because of my thin corneas, I was not. PRK was my only option and while it is a “safer” surgery it has a much longer recovery time.

After reading some horror stories online I got scared and cancelled the surgery I had scheduled. But Dominic made a decision to move forward.

I initially didn’t agree with him. Partly because I had fear and mostly because I was so jealous that he was going to get the “easy” surgery. Dominic is a Type A, like myself, and I was worried that if things didn’t turn out liked he hoped they would that he would be miserable. Miserable to be around, and I didn’t want to deal with that.

It stinks even having to admit that was one of my primary concerns but it was. And I let him know it on more than one occassion.

Surgery day came for Dominic and I spent time praying that everything would be better than expected. And, praise God, all went perfectly. On day 1 he was seeing 20/20 and 20/15…by the end of week 1 he was 20/15 in both eyes…almost 20/10. He is more than pleased with his results.

Throughout this entire process I was sure I wasn’t going to move forward but there was a hitch in my gut about it. I wanted the surgery but I was afraid. Afraid it wouldn’t be easy for me and afraid of how I would react if it wasn’t.

I did some more research, talked to the Dr. again, and some people who had the PRK procedure done recently…and felt like I needed to move forward. I know it may sound crazy but I felt like God was asking if I was willing to trust Him with this too.

So I scheduled the surgery. Told a few close friends to pray for me and went in believing I was fully prepared even if the “worst case” scenerio occurred.

As far as the actual surgery went, it couldn’t have been better. I didn’t experience the terrible pain I had read about and only had 1 day in the first 4 where I had an issue with light sensitivity. I believed that because I was better than expected, I would be seeing 20/20 in no time.

On day 4 the bandage contacts were removed and my vision was tested for the first time. While my vision had improved, it was not good enough to pass the standards for driving. I was crushed.

You see I DO NOT like having to rely on others to do things for me. Especially things that I should be able to do on my own.

Instead of being grateful that my mother-in-law was here to help take care of some of those basic things for me, I got resentful. Resentful that she got to hear the end-of-the-day stories before I did. Resentful that I had to ask for a ride to the grocery store, resentful that I was struggling to see my computer at work and couldn’t do my job well.

Are you seeing a theme here?

Instead of gratitude, I was filled with resentment.

On Thursday I was scheduled for my 1 week check. I wasn’t seeing a difference in my vision but I NEEDED to be able to drive again. I felt like my sanity depended on it.

When I didn’t pass the test I broke down in the Dr’s office. The good news is that everything is healing perfectly. It basically comes down to the fact that my eyes need more time, and that is normal and expected.

As Dominic drove me back to our office I had another meltdown. Maybe more like a crazy episode, but who’s keeping track?! I wanted my life back, I wanted it to be easy and gosh darn it it wasn’t fair that I still couldn’t drive!

Hadn’t I been so worried that Dominic would act the very way I was now behaving? Here I was faced with a choice – accept my circumstance with grace, or remain resentful.

Remaining resentful just takes so much work…it doesn’t feel good and it makes everyone around me miserable.

This is getting long, I apologize. I feel like I have to get the post out and amazingly can see my computer screen better than I have all week…so I am sticking with it.

Tonight Isaac had his senior pictures. A local friend took them and we went out to her farm for some fun outdoor shots. At one point she apologized for the mess in her yard. Because you see, not many of us are comfortable with other people seeing us in our “mess”.

I wouldn’t have necessarily known if the yard was more messy than usual…but she could see it.

Often our faults, and our flaws…our mess, bother us the most of all. (<====Click to Tweet)

We want to cover it up, put it in a closet, or apologize it away. But God sees our mess each and every day and loves us anyways.

When we don’t have it together, when we have crazy flip-out moments and unrealistic expectations…God walks through all of those moments with us.

We are not judged, we are not condemned. We are loved.

Do you hear that tonight?

You are LOVED.

There may be things you are hiding from, things you feel need to be explained away, messes that remain long after they should have been dealt with, heart-isssues that you try and manage by your own devices when God is the only One that can heal them.

If you are there…would you stop with me and find something of beauty to focus on?

The picture above is the sunset we saw when Isaac was driving us home tonight.

Beautiful, the picture doesn’t do it justice.

A reminder for me that while my sight today isn’t perfect, there is still beauty around me.

God is in the blurry and the clear. (<====Click to Tweet)

I didn’t act like I believed that this past week. If things had gone better than expected, of course God would have gotten the glory.

But because they didn’t, does that mean He deserves any less?!

No!

So tonight I am seeing His beauty in a simple sunset. I am praising Him that I am on a road to recovery and He is with me every step. Because I don’t need perfection to find peace.

With Love, Kristin

Layers Unfolding

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I love the birch tree that is in our front yard. It has always been a thing of beauty to me. While I typically picture the birch as a tall straight trunk this one is different…unique in its own way.

In the mornings when I do my bible study I often just enjoy the view of this beautiful tree. A few days ago I was resting after lunch and noticed all of the different layers that were bending away from the main trunk.

A few spots were especially raw and the bark that was exposed underneath was a lighter color. The kids at one point this spring took to pulling on that bark and tearing it away when it wasn’t ready.

I find myself doing the same in my own life at times . Wanting so bad to find the new skin under the old, I tear away at the layers of who I am and find that it is too soon, too raw and I am not ready for the change.

Dominic and I will celebrate our 18 year anniversary in a little over a week. It just so happens that we have been asked by our pastor to share our testimony on that very Sunday in church. Sharing where we have been, what has changed, and where we still struggle today. Oh and all in the span of about 20 minutes. If you know my husband and I you know that we aren’t short on words so getting it all in will be just short of a miracle in itself! 😉

I have been thinking a lot about what best to share so that God gets the glory. There are so many miracles that have occurred in our relationship because of Gods intervention and yet, still so much change and growth that needs to occur inside of me.

I would like to say that I am not at all a reflection of the person I once was. Angry and bitter, resentful and vengeful and feeling oh so holy.

But the truth is that even though there have been so many changes, there are still areas of bondage that I struggle with. Yes God has slowly peeled back layers to reveal a new creation because of His hand …. But I am not fully complete yet that is where I struggle the most.

Specifically, I am not good about taking responsibility for my poor behavior. I can point out the negatives in someone else real easy. Just ask Dominic he has had the unfortunate “opportunity” to experience it firsthand. I can justify my choices based on something that has no relevance to the situation. And make excuses for why it isn’t ever my “fault”.

It isn’t right and it is a repeating sin in my life that is becoming all too burdensome.

I want freedom.

I want to rip off the old layers and find the new underneath.

But am I ready for real change? Is my heart in the right place? Have I truly brought it to the alter, willing to do whatever it takes to find freedom once and for all?

I believe that God can deliver us from those things that keep us in bondage. Fears, addictions, anger and resentments. I have seen God work in amazing ways in the lives of people around me.

So why not me? Why after almost 18 are there still areas that haunt me?

I have to believe that I haven’t been fully ready to shed the old because it is comfortable. Sure my behavior gets me in trouble every once and awhile, but who is it hurting really and aren’t there so many worse things out there that I am not doing?

Is it really all that bad?

The answer is yes. Especially if it hurts the people closest to me that I love.

And you know what? I don’t have the easy answer on how to change. I know that with God all things are possible. So I am giving myself, my sins, my justifications, and my anger…giving it all to God.

I am praying that He will remove the layers that need to go in His time. I am asking that what is found underneath any bad be filled with the full knowledge of His grace. That I would be a reflection of Him through me so that I couldn’t take credit for the transformation.

Because I want you to see Him when you see me.

God is the reason I have the ability to pour into these pages here. He is the reason I find myself typing frantically on the notes page of my cell phone at 11:42pm because this message here is His not mine!

I believe that no matter what is holding you or I in bondage today can be loosed and set free by the power of the Almighty! We just need to be the least bit willing to let Him do the refining, no matter how long it takes.

I think we will find that what is underneath is strong and beautiful. And He does it all because of His great love for us.

Don’t be discouraged friend. Start praying over those areas you want freedom in and be ready to give Him the glory as the transformations occur!

The Post I Didn’t Want to Write

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Disclaimer: This post contains sensitive and personal topics. (To my parents and grandparents I would be totally fine if you stopped reading right now!) 🙂

Last night I was at Walmart looking at Valentine’s cards near the health and beauty section. While I was standing there I overheard a very loud conversation happening in the middle of the isle between several teens from a neighboring small community. The girls were wearing letter jackets so I know they were high school aged….

The boys started asking if a certain girl needed to buy more “items” in “THAT” isle….I had a fear I knew what THAT isle was based on where we were standing. One boy says laughing “They have already been through 4 boxes”, when one of the girls responded “No it isn’t that much…more like 2 boxes – they have only been dating for two months”

I almost passed out right there….and then I got angry.

The girl, the topic of discussion, wasn’t there. But here were several teen-aged children discussing the very personal details of her alleged sexual life.

And as a women and a mom my heart broke.

It broke for the girl that decided to make such a huge choice like that AND then share about such personal details that now was the topic of discussion. It broke for the parents of that girl…what would her mama think if she knew her daughter was not only participating in this activity, but then being the talk of her “friends”. And my heart broke that bragging about how many times a teenager has had sex is becoming so popular in today’s society.

Apparently it is “cool” for our children to be having sex these days.

Yep I said it…children.

While I have a very responsible 17 year old of my own….he is still a child in my eyes and having sex is a life changer. It just is. Something I would not want for him…for anyone his age.

And yet it is happening and is seen as a status symbol.

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When I was in junior high I dated a boy in my class….we would play basketball together and listen to music, exchange notes in school, and I thought I was in love.

One day several months into our “relationship” we were sitting on a couch in his basement and he asked me a question….”When?”

“When what?” I was naive and clueless

“When are we going to….you know, have sex?”

I didn’t know what to say. I was scared and not ready, I was 14 for crying out loud! But he had older brothers, he must have felt some pressure to be doing what they were doing, regardless the question was out there.

So that night I went home and wrote him a letter. I told him that I loved him but I wasn’t ready. A week after he got my letter he broke up with me. He said he wanted to spend more time playing video games with his friends and didn’t need a girlfriend. I knew the truth though.

My “no” had ended the relationship.

Fast forward a few years and I am dating an older boy that I met at work. He had a car, was a drummer in the band at school and was fun to be with. We dated the entire time I was in high school into my first year of college.

At some point the relationship went to “that” place again. He told me that he loved me….told me that we were going to get married so if we were the only people that we were ever going to be with – why wait?

He was convincing and I justified it in my heart. If he was going to be my husband then it can’t be that bad right?

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Once the decision is made it can’t be undone.

I felt like there was a scarlet letter on my chest, that everyone would know what I had done and I was so ashamed.

I didn’t tell a soul, not even my closest friend. That kind of information couldn’t be shared, it wasn’t something to be “proud” of. I knew in my heart that it was a sin, that it wasn’t God’s plan for my life but I had made the choice and it couldn’t be undone.

In my opinion and from my experience, once that line has been crossed, justifying it again becomes easier.

When I met Dominic in my 2nd year of college I was enamored immediately. He was smart and funny and we spent hours talking about life. We had an on again off again relationship but at some point we crossed “that” line together.

And to my shock and surprise I got pregnant.

We were completely unprepared to handle the road ahead of us.

Hear me on this – Isaac is a gift. I wouldn’t change his place in our family…not one bit! But it wasn’t easy. Our choices have consequences. And we had to learn that the hard way.

Pregnancy is more prevalent today than it ever has been. A pregnancy crisis center that offers counseling and parenting classes etc., came and spoke at our church last week. They serve a 60 mile radius area which includes Marshall. Last year they helped 4, 12 year old, girls who were pregnant.

Can you imagine? 12 years old!

I didn’t even know what sex was at 12!

I don’t have all the answers…but I have a heart for these kids who are participating in things that they are unequipped to handle.

I can’t tell you what to do with your own kids. I can share what I will do with mine.

First and I think most important….keep open lines of communication.

These are not “comfortable” conversations, but they are necessary. Our kids need to know what we believe and why. While I can’t force Isaac to “behave” in a way I would like, if I say nothing I am not counteracting all of the things that the world is screaming at him!

Be willing to be open about our experiences.

I have shared some of my stories with Isaac. Not because I am proud of them but because he needs to know we faced some of the same challenges. He knows about the struggles we had and why we had them. He experienced some of the consequences of those choices during his young life.

Pray for our youth.

I have said it before and I will say it again. We are in a war! The enemy seeks to destroy the sanctity of marriage, the God-given place for sex. We collectively need to be in prayer for our younger generation! That God’s truth would be revealed, heard and followed.

Friends this isn’t a post I wanted to write…it is personal on several levels and not something I ever thought that I would share here.

But God has been hounding my heart for the past 12 hours 🙂 so I am willingly stepping out in faith and trusting that this post is a post that someone needs to read.

I want to end this with a promise.

God redeems the broken and we are ALL broken in some way or another. (<==== Click to Tweet)

God has taken my bad choices and given me a platform to share with others that He can use us, in spite of us! And He will do the same with you, if you are willing to let Him into your life.

Before Dominic and I got married we went to counseling with the Pastor who asked us to sign a covenant. A covenant that we would not have sex again until we were married. He said that while we had made a choice to have sex before marriage, we could enter our wedding day in a new covenant relationship with God.

Clean, pure….

Each one of us can enter into that covenant relationship with God – regardless of our past – it is available to us!

Don’t think there is anything too broken that God can’t restore! If you have questions about the kind of restoration available to you please leave me a comment – I’d love to connect with you!