Category Archives: A Look Back

18 Years and Counting…

18 years ago, on June 1st, Dominic and I stood before a group of our family and friends and vowed to God and one another that we would keep the sacred bond of marriage. The picture above was always a favorite of mine because it was the first picture taken as we walked out of the church as husband and wife.

When my dad gave me away in the ceremony, he took both of our hands and said that he had just one piece of advice for us. “Never, never, never give up.”

It was beautiful and I was sure that we would do just that. Divorce wasn’t a word that had been spoken in our families, so it wasn’t a concern.

But if you would have asked me 10 years ago if we would be this close to celebrating a 20 year anniversary, I would have probably said that you were crazy. What started out as excitement, joy and a bit of nervousness turned quickly into high and often unmet expectations, frustration, bitterness and resentment for both of us.

Marriage is tough isn’t it?!

Marriage can be difficult even when you do things the “right” way…you know courtship, down-on-one-knee proposal, wedding and then kids. But when you enter into marriage in a more, ahem, unconventional way…pregnancy and then marriage – well let’s just say that it isn’t an easy way to start.

I have said before that we were ill-equipped to be parents much less husband and wife. We just had no idea how much grace and forgiveness, how much release of selfishness would be needed to make a marriage successful!

There were times that I was certain that even God couldn’t fix the hurt we had heaped onto one another. And while the idea to “never give up” seemed like the wise choice, I can say that I wanted to run at the first sign of trouble.

I didn’t know how to handle the conflict we faced and divorce became a common threat used in my vocabulary. Because threatening people with an ultimatum and not following through time and time again is a wonderful way to build trust and closeness isn’t it?!

Sigh…

For years we struggled. We didn’t communicate well and I became angry and bitter. Disrespectful is a mild description of the way and manner that I treated Dominic on most days. It really is a miracle that we are still married today…

But God

Oh how I love the stories that have a But God moment in them, don’t you?!

All those years that I thought God had abandoned us, He was right there. We were the ones that had turned from Him!

And about 8 years ago we both came to that breaking point. That place where one is finally willing to let go and let God work – to do whatever it would take to see change happen.

And God showed up in a BIG way.

Hearts softened, forgiveness was given and received, selfishness was put aside and things began to change. (<==== Click to Tweet)

This change was slow and painful at times. Someone once told me that it takes years to cause the damage and we can’t expect that just because we become willing to change, that our lives will be roses from that moment on.

And it is true!

But God was there in the smallest details. He put people in our lives to support and encourage us. We had people praying for us, others that would listen to us complain and justify and then gently help us see a Godly perspective of how marriage and relationship should be.

It was, and continues to be, hard work.

But I have found that it is in those difficult times that I am seeking God more, relying on Him for strength, and I desire to give Him the praise and the glory for any transformation that occurs.

On Sunday we had the amazing opportunity to share some of our story with our congregation at church. I couldn’t help thinking the entire time that it was all God. The reason we could even be up on that stage was His doing.

He made the change possible. God’s grace towards us is the reason that we have learned how to give grace to one another. His forgiveness of our sins the example we use to forgive each other.

Today we celebrate 18 years. While they haven’t always been “easy”…ok they haven’t ever been easy! 🙂 But we have grown and matured, we have found in the last 8 years a personal relationship with a God that has blessed us time and time again. And we are teaching our kids that God is God even when life isn’t perfect. And He is worthy to be praised!

I am so grateful for Dominic, for his patience and love on all of the days that I am not very lovable. I am thankful that God has transformed our marriage, allowing us to work together and raise a family. We are blessed.

Letting Go of the Past

Leave a reply

I apologize if I have shared this here before, it is a big part of my “story” and really shaped parts of my teenage life and has had an impact on my adulthood as well.

It was the 6th grade and I was awkward to say the least.

I grew up in a neighborhood with several kids my age and we were all friends. Several of those girls had older siblings in high school…so they kind of had an “in” to the cool scene.

I never had an “in”….I was always the girl who was friends with the girl who was friends with the popular people. Did you follow that?! 🙂

The point was that I remained on the outside, alone on that proverbial island, for a lot of years. And I desperately wanted to be invited “in”.

There was this girl…we will call her MW (that may or may not be her actual initials – and she may or may not have tattled on me in 1st grade when I was blown over by a winter wind into a metal bike rack, hitting my eye, causing a MASSIVE black eye that caused me to cry in class…but that is whole story for another time…ahem.) MW was having this party. A boy-girl party and it was a BIG deal.

ALL of the popular kids were invited…including my friends that were friends with those popular people.

I was not on the list. And it hurt.

My neighborhood friends were so sweet – they wanted to try and help me impress MW enough so that she would invite me to her party.

They helped me pick out the best outfit I had, and the plan was that I would wear this outfit to the next Friday’s High School Football game. Because that is where all the popular 6th graders went on a Friday night.

Oh, and somehow I thought it would be a good idea to not wear a coat, you know to keep from covering the awesomeness that my outfit held.

It was October, in South Dakota, at night….and it was COLD.

I froze that night, I shivered and shook and smiled my best crooked smile. And I hoped with all hope that I would finally get my invite.

My “best” wasn’t good enough. MW didn’t invite me to that party and I was crushed. I knew that I wouldn’t ever fit in and the next Friday night when everyone who was anyone was at the big party – I was at home – alone on my island once again.

Times like this can shape us can’t they?

As much as I’d like to say that it didn’t bother me or I got over it right away, here I am 30 years later and THAT is one of my most vivid memories from that time period.

Isn’t that sad?

It is one of the reasons that I have such a heart for kids at this age/phase. I KNOW how it feels to not be “good enough” by the world’s standards. And while I had a belief in God during that time, I didn’t have a personal relationship with Him that covered those hurts in my heart.

God was always there – but I hadn’t let Him be enough in my life. (< ==== Click to Tweet)

For years I struggled with the idea that I didn’t measure up.

It led me to believe as an adult that I wasn’t good-enough for God-sized dreaming because that kind of stuff is for the strong and talented.

In her devotional Holley says “God-sized dreaming isn’t for wimps. But at the same time it’s really only for wimps. Because we are all exactly that. We’re weak and broken and afraid. And we’re also strong and whole and filled with the resurrection power of Christ.”

Today I am a different woman.

While I still struggle with my image at times….I wish I were more fit, or had better hair, or knew how to parent with patience….God is showing me that I am “enough” because of Him! (<==== Click to Tweet)

There comes a point that we need to let go of the hurts of the past and move forward. We need to stop believing the lies that we won’t measure up and start holding on to the Truth that through Christ we will ALL measure up.

On my own I can’t do this “life”…but with Christ guiding me, I am confident and strong in His plan for me.

What in your past is holding you back from chasing your God-sized Dream?

Today is an extra special day because Holley’s newest book is available for purchase. “You’re Going to Be Okay” is a wonderful book and I will be posting even more about it in a few days…and there may just be a fun giveaway involved too!! Come back on Thursday for all the details! 😉

Linking up with my God-sized Dream sisters today continuing this discussion- will you join us here?

Photo Credit: gnuckx

A Love of Words

Leave a reply

I have been a storyteller all my life.

Maybe not always a good one, as evidenced in some old home movies that my parents shared with us kids over Christmas! But telling stories, sharing about my life is something I have always enjoyed doing.

I have memories from long ago of an old cassette recorder that my parents had and let us use. This memory had remained pushed back into the recesses of my mind until this week.

I started thinking about what dreams I had as a child for my life, and while I couldn’t remember what those might have been, I did remember this cassette recorder.

My brother, sister and I would make recordings of our everyday life. We would sing and tell stories and laugh at how silly we thought we were.

It was an innocent time and we believed that our words mattered.

Our words were burned into those cassette tapes for all eternity (or until we erased them), but you get the point. Those tapes defined me, they were a reflection of my humor and joy, my love of music and storytelling.

But somewhere along the way, in the trials of growing up an awkward and nerdy teenager, I stopped believing that my words mattered.

In fact, at some point, I started believing the lies that I wouldn’t ever be good enough. I would never measure up and be popular. I would never make the cheer leading squad or the school musical.

I didn’t have anything special to offer.

Have you believed those lies? Can you remember a time when you felt you had a voice but don’t know how long it has been since you felt that was true?

Last week I put words to my God-sized Dream.

It was terrifying to me but I received some wonderful encouragement. Women shared that they felt the same way, they had unspoken dreams but they were being brave and taking the first step by speaking them out loud.

Oh the knee-knocking that was happening last week! 🙂

But finally taking that step and putting words to my dream was invigorating.

I could feel my “voice” coming back. That love of words that was stuffed away deep inside of me was growing in my heart.

I DO have a voice, and it matters – if to no one else – it matters to God. (<==== Click to Tweet)

So I speak because of Him! I speak on behalf of Him and I praise Him because He created me with this love of words. It was there all along, I had just forgotten about it.

I loved this excerpt from Holley’s 40 day devotional “Opening the Door to Your God-sized Dream”

“In many ways, God-sized dreaming is more about an attitude than an action. It’s living with an ongoing yes to whatever God asks of you.

It means choosing faith over fear

It means moving forward instead of holding back

It means believing God can accomplish his purposes for your life – no matter how hard things are right now.”

God has given me a love of words and has called me to share them.

It causes me fear at times and I wake most days feeling unworthy of the task. But I am holding on to the truth that He can accomplish His purposes in my life, regardless of how I feel about it! (<==== Click to Tweet)

There is freedom with that simple truth and I am thanking Him for that today!

What were the childhood desires of your heart? Can you see that God was equipping you even then to pursue your God-sized Dreams today?

Linking up today with other dreamers over at God-sized Dreams – if you blog we would love to have you come and join us in the fun!

Photo Credit: Nuscreen

2013 – A Year in Review!

Leave a reply

I can’t believe that 2013 is almost over! What a whirlwind of a year it has been. A year ago I didn’t know that I would be working full time with my husband. I had just started this little blog and I had no idea what a life changer it would be to have been chosen for the God Sized Dream Team. And there were several beautiful women out there that I hadn’t yet met and I had no idea that they would become life long friends in the course of 2013.

God has been moving for certain. And while my faith often waivers and I sometimes question why God has me in a specific place at a specific time….I can look back on the past year and see how His hand has been in every detail of my life. It hasn’t been an easy year, or a perfect year but it has been filled with so many unexpected blessings that I am grateful for the journey.

So I thought it might be fun to recap some of the favorite posts on my blog from this past year….

I started out 2013 by sharing what, at the time, I thought my God Sized Dreams for the year were. God Sized Dreams for 2013.

I shared a post about what got me started blogging in the first place when I posted The Beginning of the Story.

I studied a little bit about Paul in the Hello Mornings challenge and was reminded that God uses us even when we don’t have it all together. He Calls the Broken.

I shared an important lesson that I learned from my daughter on one very long and miserable road trip…in The Buckle.

I had a chance to read a little about Hannah in the Bible and was struck by her amazing faith and shared why I wanted A Heart Like Hannah’s.

Who knew that something as simple as a harmonica could teach me a lesson this year, but Karlena has a way about her and when she was playing her Angry Harmonica, well I was reminded that I bear the sin of anger way too often and it is something that I need to constantly be laying at the feet of the cross.

In Those Who Have Gone Before Us, I shared about my experience with infertility and miscarriage and how faithful, brave women that had also walked a similar path had been an encouragement to me…and that because of them I was hoping to some day pay it forward.

It isn’t always easy to find joy. Sometimes I am stubborn and won’t open my eyes to the blessings right in front of me, and other times I am walking in abundance – regardless of where you are today are you finding Joy – Unspeakable Joy?

I struggle with fear in so many areas and I shared about it here. When Fear Overwhelms.

I wanted so badly to be a cheerleader in high school and wasn’t ever given the chance. Now God has redeemed that in a unique way – A Different Kind of Cheerleader.

It isn’t fun to share the difficult times, it is easier to forget really. But in sharing about The Darkest Hour in my life I was able to see how God has redeemed my life in so many ways!

I shared a story about the power of prayer and the hope that The Three Coins my mom brought me from Greece represented in my life.

Well there you have it!! Some of the top posts here in 2013. My prayer is that 2014 will bring more dreaming and seeking God in all of the minute details of my life. I am so very grateful for each of you that come here and share life with me. Many of you have become IRL friends and others – well it is just a matter of time! 🙂 Until then, thank you for loving on me here and have a blessed New Year!

Encouragement to my Childhood Self

Leave a reply

This post is inspired by Compassion International. To spread the word about Compassion and what they do for children all over the world, bloggers are getting together for Blog Month with the hopes to sponsor 3,160 children this month! If you are interested in sponsoring a child please click here and find a child for your family to support!

I was very fortunate to grow up in a stable Christian home. We had family meals together every night and participated in church activities. Privileged, compared to most of the world, would describe my upbringing.

But regardless of all that we had – I struggled with a couple of basic “lies” that I believed and shaped how I saw myself and how I experienced my childhood. As a mother now myself I want to dispel those lies for my future and my children’s as well.

One of those lies was that I didn’t “belong”.

I wasn’t ever one of the “popular” girls. I didn’t “go with” any boys in elementary school like many girls did. I was awkward and a little nerdy and desperate to fit in.

In 6th grade one of the popular girls was having a boy-girl party. And I wanted to go SO BAD!! Some of my friends even tried to help me dress in a cool outfit to wear to an upcoming football game so this girl would see how awesome I was and invite me.

It didn’t work and I tell you I was crushed.

This now seemingly small event shaped many years to come. Shaped how I saw myself, my value and my worth. I believed that I was never going to be good enough, never valuable like the “popular crowd” was. And I always felt like I needed to try and prove that I could measure up.

That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself isn’t it?

Today I would tell myself that this event doesn’t have to shape my future. That an invitation to a party, or not, doesn’t define who I am. That God loves me just the way He made me and I didn’t need to try so hard to change to fit the worlds view of a “perfect person.

Would I have listened??

I don’t know. Those are words that I think I can only offer because of my experiences. I think, unfortunately, that we sometimes have to walk through the valleys to experience the joys of the mountaintops.

So maybe my advice would be simply to trust God. While you can’t see the future and what’s to come…He can and He is working it all out for His good!

And as a parent I can use my experiences as examples for my kids. My situation may not be exactly the same…but it would be a start for sharing how those things affected me, what my reaction was (or lie that I believed) and how I have seen God use the hurts I experienced for good.

I think that is the best we can do – live and learn from our experiences and trust God through all of it. The times that I have put my trust in God I have found a sense of peace and comfort that I don’t feel when I take the reins and try to control things myself!

I hope to always remain teachable!

How about you? What is something that you would tell your childhood self??

The way He loves me

Leave a reply

**Linking up with Kristen today over at Chasing Blue Skies to join in her weekly “out of the Blue” series. Today we are encouraged to write about “Answered Prayer“! And specifically “How did the Lord answer a prayer for you in a way that surprised you?”

One of the coolest things that I have come to discover about my God is the way that he really loves me. Broken, scarred and unworthy – yet He lavishes His love out on me time and time again.

Our story of marriage and parenthood isn’t conventional. We didn’t necessarily do things, how can I say this….well “the way we should have”. But young (21), naive and in no way ready to be parents, Dominic and I found ourselves “expecting”.

It wasn’t the way that our parents had hoped for us…but we were filled with promise and so sure that we could make everything work out. And so we dove in head first into this thing called marriage, and soon afterwards, parenthood.

Let me tell you we had NO IDEA what we were facing.

Take a mix of two selfish people and add unreasonable expectations of one another and a colicky baby…and you have a recipe for disaster. We were off to a rough start…and during several of those early years we stayed away from God. We didn’t go to church, we didn’t pray together, God just wasn’t at the center of our home…but we (well at least I) had this expectation that because we were both “Christians” at heart that God would work it out all for the good.

So we would find ourselves in a mess of some sort or another…and I would cry out for God to fix ~~him~~ I mean us. (No but really – I just wanted God to fix him…because certainly I was too holy to be a part of the “problem” right?!)

Oh boy – we were sure a pair. And we went down some pretty dark paths before coming to a point of hopelessness and willingness to do anything just to change.

And change came slowly, as it usually does….Dominic had his “seeing the light” moment before I did. And he started to change. Suddenly he was becoming the man that I had prayed for, for so long, but I was too angry and resentful to see it.

We started praying together in the mornings as a family…and when we would finish I would grumble under my breath something disrespectful. And one morning he stopped me and asked me why I was so angry….asked what he had done that morning to make me so upset?

And I didn’t have an answer…there was nothing. But I was angry and dark and desperate….and at that moment I knew that something had to change inside of me as well.

That was the start of a long healing process for me as well. Coming to see “my part” in the difficulties of our marriage. Starting to redefine who God was to me…and how I saw Him. For a long time I believed that because we had “sinned before marriage” and got pregnant….that God was punishing us long term.

The reality that I failed to recognize was that God was there the whole time, loving us. I was the one who had shut Him out.

So He patiently waited for me to want Him – want that relationship again – and when I did….well He didn’t hold back His love for us.

My husband is an amazing man of God. He is my rock when I am afraid of the unknown. He holds tight to the promises of God…even when we are walking in a dark season. He shows unconditional love to me – even when I am disrespectful. He is everything that I prayed for and more!

When I first prayed for those qualities in a husband, I wouldn’t have chosen the rocky path that we walked through….but looking back today I wouldn’t change it if I could – because it made us stronger, it made us better….

And knowing how far we have come, makes the reality of us working together now as a team, owning our own business….proof of God’s redemptive grace in our lives.

God is so good. He loves us so much…and while He might not always answer our prayers in the way we “hoped”…..it has been my experience that the end result is better than I could imagine!