There were many years in my marriage that laughter was missing from our home. Fights and threats dominated our space instead of love and laughter. I worked really hard at staying angry because then I could be rotten as well.

Miserable right?!

When I think back on those times I wonder how it is that we survived?!

We didn’t have a relationship with God, or each other really that wasn’t contemptuous. My idea of God was terribly skewed and I thought that because He didn’t answer my prayer requests in the manner I had hoped, He must be punishing me.

It is hard to laugh and smile when anger permeates every piece of your being.

I recently read Fervent by Pricilla Schirer. It is a book that accompanies the War Room movie and it is amazing. In one of the chapters she talks about how the enemy works to keep us from a right relationship with our spouse and God.

Unforgiveness is one of the biggest weapons the enemy uses in this war.

For years I harbored unforgiveness in my heart. I didn’t want to forgive Dominic for things I “thought” were his fault. I needed to hold onto the anger. It was a vicious cycle and one that I am so glad we are free from.

It doesn’t mean that our marriage is 100% problem free. We work together full time and I over schedule us most days. We find ourselves worn and weary and irritable too. Feelings get hurt and forgiveness has to be asked for and given.

But recently we made a commitment to one another to not only forgive, but walk in that forgiveness. Don’t just say we forgive but treat the person as though we really do.

And you know what has been the result of that commitment?

Laughter.

Lots and lots of laughter.

Sometimes we are silly with our issuing of forgiveness. Sometimes it comes out a little sassy (I have a way about me at times…Dominic will tell you its true!) But we are laughing more than ever.

It feels good. We are connecting better, supporting better and encouraging more. And we are sharing laughter and are seeing the results. Our kids laugh more, we joke and probably behave inappropriately at the dinner table, but we are united and then enemy isn’t taking that away from me!

I know marriage can be hard. Life gets overwhelming, but do yourself a favor and find someone to laugh with. It really is the best medicine! Seeking God’s plan for our marriage, having hearts open to love and forgiveness has brought new life to our marriage and I am so grateful!

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In late August we moved our son to college for his freshman year. He chose an engineering school that is 7 hours away from home.

It is so so far away!!

I always knew that this day would inevitably come, but when it did I wasn’t fully prepared for the reality of it all.

I miss our after school chats before he would head out to work. I miss seeing him every day and while I would have preferred he attended a college closer to home, just so we could see him more…I can’t tell you how very proud of him I am.

He has spread his wings and is flying .

And you know what the best part is?? There are some things he is doing that I have had nothing to do with…no influence, or motivation. He is just taking initiative and making responsible choices.

He took a class in High School that was a college level computer science class. He passed the AP exam and the credits transferred but he apparently found out that he didn’t learn one of the things that they teach out at the Mines. So my boy (beaming with pride here) went to his department head and asked if there was anything he should be doing on his own to prepare/learn for the course that follows.

Don’t you love that?!

So now he is taking an extra lab course so that he will be where he needs to be come next semester.

As parents we do our best to train up our children so that when they “leave the nest” they can fly on their own. There will be difficulties along the way…but we pray for them and know that they will come away stronger just like we have.

Isn’t our relationship with God the same way? We seek Him, learn from Him and then we go out into the world and try to be a light to others…we fly knowing that he is there to support us. (Ok I almost typed “He is the wind beneath our wings”…because it seemed appropriate but I didn’t want to break into song here! 🙂

And while I miss Isaac’s physical presence in our home, watching him fly on his own is pretty exciting too.

I stopped praying for patience when I realized that God continued to provide opportunities to practice said desired skill. And the reality was that I was failing at every turn.

Apparently I have a bit of a short fuse. (ahem)

I can get irritated with the smallest things, like people in the elementary school drop off lane for example. I start to get anxious as the pick up time approaches, knowing that inevitably someone else won’t drive or park in the manner that I think that they should. (Because you know I apparently think that I know best)

But my impatience and irritation doesn’t do anyone any good. They don’t know I am angry and yet I am the one huffing and puffing around like a crazy women. Not the example that I want to set for my kids.

I want to be a woman with a calm spirit. This doesn’t come naturally to me…it is something that I have to work for, and at times it is hard work!

But there is something beautiful that happens when we slow down and give one another grace. I leave a situation feeling better about things and I am showing others that patience is a virtue.

In a society that is primarily an “I want what I want, when I want it”….it can be hard to wait patiently. I have found myself questioning God’s timing in certain situations, positive that He is moving too slow!

But I have a saying on the wall in my home that says “Sometimes God doesn’t give you what you want, because He has something so much better planned for you.” It is a constant reminder to me that I don’t always know the best plan, or the best timing.

So I work at seeking Him and trusting His timing in every area of my life. I pray that I would have a spirit of patience and grace and I would stop questioning His plan and just keep walking forward. It isn’t easy to do, trust me…but I believe that we will see rewards as we walk in faithfulness.

The clouds were building in the distance. I had heard that the south was experiencing some pretty heavy storms and flying high above the clouds revealed their depth.

I really do love flying but when someone says there is turbulence up ahead, and the large iron tube that you are flying in starts to shake…well I get just a little unnerved.

Oh I don’t want the storms to come Lord.

In my 40 years I have weathered my share of storms. Some of them came up without warning, others were brewed up out of my own doing.

And if we are being honest here, I haven’t enjoyed a moment of the time during the storm. I probably make things worse as I stomp my feet, shake my fists and ask God why He allows them to happen.

But as we often see there is a beauty that emerges after a storm. New growth, the clouds parting, a view we hadn’t noticed or appreciated before.

Inevitably the storms will come, instead of trying to run for them I need to be preparing myself to walk through them with as much grace as possible.

The only way to be prepared for an unknown such as this is to be focusing on Who is my strength. In hindsight I can always see how God was with me. Even if I felt alone, I can see now where His hand was evident.

Knowing this truth, even if just from past experience, should give me hope.

Spending time with God, seeking Him in my every day, getting to know the character of Him will prepare me to weather the next storm. Just like in the airplane, I am trusting that the pilot is guiding the aircraft through the turbulence.

I want to always be putting my full trust in the One pilot in my life that will help me face any storm to come.

I don’t rest well.

Sure I can sleep just fine, pretty easily actually. I can thrive on minimal sleep and function during the day. But I am not good at slowing down to rest.

Not unlike our daughter who fights nap time each day, I too fight rest.

There is always something that could be/should be done. Resting seems lazy and in my crazy mind can induce stress because I become that much more behind.

As I write this post I am on an airplane headed to Florida for a short girls weekend and lots of rest.

When I was voxing Gindi about what I was bringing I mentioned that I had packed 5 Tide pods for doing laundry. She called me back laughing saying we would NOT be doing laundry this weekend. We will be sleeping, in the condo or on the beach, and writing and shopping.

No kids, no laundry needed.

Even when escaping for a weekend of rest I struggle with how to embrace it!

So before I left I removed 3 pods. Ok I know I am going to need some work in this area, but it is a start! And as a side I really do hate having stinky laundry in the same suitcase as clean….but that is just another level to the insanity of my mind 😉

But I can see the value in making space in our lives for rest. For taking some time to do one of those things that fills you up. For some it may be much needed sleep. For me it is writing.

For months I have been too busy to make this time for myself. Today as I have travelled I have written 9 posts thus far! I am energized and excited and finding the best way for me to embrace rest. And I am grateful that God is using this time to give me the words.

Tonight I will enjoy a sunset on the beach and marvel in the glory that is God’s creation…and if I am lucky eat some marvelous food too.

Is rest hard for you too? I would encourage you to find some time in the next week and carve out a few hours doing that thing that would bring some rest in your life. Seek Him, rest in His presence, His creation and be filled.

I am a morning person. My husband is not. So I typically get up a few hours earlier than he does each day. I spend some time praying or doing a short Bible study and then I will take a shower and get ready for the day.

During the school year my other kids are up early as well. They have some specific “jobs” to do each morning, like showering, eating breakfast, brushing teeth etc…we have developed a pretty good routine.

But as is in any family, life isn’t always perfect.

The kids are tired, or we are out of frozen waffles and someone didn’t get one, the dog is barking or they can’t find their shoes. Right before we all head out the door things can get a little frenzied and tense.

It doesn’t take much to make me snap.

I shared a little a few months ago about my struggle with anger. How it wells up inside of me and then if I am not on guard, it spews out on those closest to me. I don’t want to be the kind of mama that my kids are afraid of. I want to be a safe harbor, not a raging sea.

Things have gotten better. I have asked a few friends if I can be accountable to them. One dear friend has asked several times how I am doing specifically with anger. And it hasn’t been terrible. Sure I get mad at times, but my reactions haven’t been as severe.

But these changes do not come easily. I have to be ready.

Ready for what you might ask? For battle.

I believe that there is an enemy that seeks to destroy my family. One that thrives in the struggle, that encourages explosions of emotion and unforgiveness.

And a few months ago I declared myself ready for the battle.

I am doing some things like walking away when I feel my anger building, trying to speak in a calmer tone, and being quick to apologize when I have blown it.

And I pray. I constantly pray that God will continue to refine me. That He will stand in the gap for me. I have proclaimed I am ready, but I have also had to admit my desperate need for God to lead me through the storm.

In seeking Him during these moments that are my most embarrassing and ugly, I am finding freedom. It wasn’t a one day release and I believe that the enemy will continue to throw darts our way…but I am standing ready, with God at my side and I am believing that the chains are falling as we speak.

When I think of the color purple I immediately think of Lydia.

In Acts 16 we hear about her. Paul and Silas were traveling through Macedonia and come to a river to pray and meet some women and one of those women was Lydia.

The Bible describes her as “a dealer in purple cloth” (v.14) who was a worshiper of God. She listened to the preachings of Paul and Silas and was baptized, along with her household. (v.15)

And then I love these words…”If you have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come to my house and stay.”

A woman who is hard working, a business woman who dyes and sells her purple garments. A woman hungry for the Lord with a heart of hospitality.

What an encouragement Lydia was to me as I studied these verses again.

Sometimes I feel guilty as a full-time working mother. I love my family but I also love the business I get to work at with Dominic. We work hard and we love God and our family.

I don’t know why I think I can’t do both well.

Lydia is a woman that was doing both well. She was a successful business woman and had a heart for the Lord and for hospitality.

She served her family and was an example to her entire household. Because of her faith her entire household was also baptized! Isn’t that amazing?!

We have that same potential.

We can work hard at whatever “job” God has called us to, in the home or out. And we can serve God and others and be an example of faith to our families.

Every time I see the color purple I am going to be reminded of this story that I saw with fresh eyes today. A reminder that we can work and serve and seek God with all of our life and make an impact on others.

Karlena has this teddy bear that was a gift when she was a baby. It is worn and ragged and missing some of its fur. There is a hole that needs to be fixed in one of its legs and it is no longer pink but more of a dirty grey/pink.

It isn’t pretty to look at and a good washing is no longer helping to restore its appearance. But when Karlena holds that bear, and she looks at it, all she sees is love.

Her teddy has been with her for almost 5 years. When we can’t find it there is a crisis. She talks to teddy and puts teddy down for naps, she has loved the life out of that bear.

Dominic has threatened to throw it away, it really is kind of gross…but I won’t let him. I know that some day she won’t need to have it with her like she does now. But for now it is her companion.

I picked teddy up the other day and really looked at it. And the thought crossed my mind, that bear isn’t much different than I am.

Often I am worn and ragged, dirty from my sin and faults. I have scars and imperfections and my outside doesn’t look as beautiful as it once did.

But yet when my Father looks at me all He sees is love.

It is hard to wrap my mind around this idea of God’s unconditional love for me. I have said it before here, the thought that God knew the person that I would be..all my failures, my bad choices and complete disobedience to His calling…and inspite of all of that He saw love.

So much love that He wanted to provide a way for me to be with Him in eternity. So much love that He sent His only Son to die for my sins.

Even if I had been the only one worth dying for….

Can you even fathom that kind of love?

I am not always grateful for that sacrifice. But seeing that teddy and knowing how much Karlena loves it…and realizing that God’s love for me, for you, is even greater….

Well sometimes we just need to sit and revel in that a moment don’t we?

Friends, we all have scars and broken pieces. We all make mistakes and if you are like me you feel like you don’t deserve that kind of lavish love. And you know what, we don’t. How incredible is it that we get to be the recipient of it anyways!

My prayer for you as you seek God would be that you would be flooded with His love for you, that you would know deep in your soul that you are His treasure. Find rest and comfort in that today!

“I just can’t do it” I told him.

I was frustrated and angry with myself, mostly because I was filled with fear and my words and actions revealed the depth of that fear.

When my husband started his own business he faced fear too but with great faith he stepped forward anyways. After a year of working by himself, handling all of the calls, scheduling, paperwork…he was a bit overwhelmed.

We started talking about possible solutions and he asked if I would consider working with him. I had been working at a financial advisor’s office for a little less than a year and the guilt at leaving was just one issue I had.

“I just don’t know if it is possible. What if we can’t work together, what if we can’t generate enough business to cover the guaranteed salary that I will be giving up?!”

Fear. Plain and simple fear of the unknown kept me stuck. I didn’t believe in all that was possible if I just trusted God’s leading on this.

So I did what I often do in these situations and I attempted to manage it all myself. I asked my employer if I could work part time so that I could help Dominic out “just to get him caught up.”

They agreed and I started my split schedule. Because guilt has often been a motivator for me I worked really hard at both jobs. I didn’t want anyone to have to do more because I was doing less. I was stressed out upon waking each morning.

“I can’t do this Lord!”

This went on for a few months, it is a wonder that I lasted that long really. A stomach ulcer that made itself known on a short vacation was the tipping point. Something had to change.

“I am finally ready to trust you with this Lord.”

I went in and quit my job and started working full time with my husband. I wasn’t convinced that we would manage…I still didn’t believe it would be possible to make up my lost wages.

But even in my doubt (and after all that holding on to the reins myself) we moved forward and can I just tell you that God has taken my “I don’t think it is possible”  fears and blown them out of the water.

We have been working together successfully for a few years now. It is a gift really. No it isn’t always easy, but we are learning through the growing pains. Some days we are frustrated and overwhelmed, just like we would be with any job. But I get to walk this road WITH my husband, each day.

When we seek God He will make the impossible, possible. I have seen it in my own life time and time again.

Yes it may be uncertain, and scary but when we trust God with those doubts and fears He will use them to grow our faith and give Him the glory. Our business is successful today because of all God has done. Yes we show up and do the work each day…but He makes it possible.

What impossible roadblock are you facing today? Can you open your hands and trust God with it? I can’t wait to see all that He will do!